The symbol of Santa

When my husband became Santa the first year, I never dreamed the lessons that I would learn and spiritual experience and symbolisms that I would see and understand through the experiences.  

The first time that I saw the total faith of a child in their eyes as they looked up to Santa Claus, knowing that he could be totally trusted and that he could grant their deepest wishes if only he would, I saw myself.  I saw myself as I prayed for miracles that I could not provide for my own life.  I saw my faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ as I asked for things that only they can grant if they only would. It brought me to tears. I realized the symbol that Santa represented in that moment.  Children have an easier time putting their faith in someone that they can see, touch, confide in.  At Christmas time, that someone is Santa Claus.  I have seen them tell him things that they might not ever tell someone else. This is something thdat we need to do when we pray, pour our heart out, confide in Him the things that you can’t confide in others.  

I have seen them ask for parents to be healed. Santa has to explain that he does not have the ability to heal people, only Jesus can do that.  Those moments are tender for Santa, and for the child.  I don’t know about all Santas, but I know that my husband as Santa tells the children to go to the source of true healing, that there are some things Santa can’t do. Santa can bring toys, clothing, things, but Santa does not work miracles.  That is something only the Lord can do.  

When we “become” Santa, we do so by fulfilling someone’s deepest desires for things - toys, clothing, food, etc.  That is also a beautiful symbol, giving to someone something that they cannot provide for themselves.  Isn’t that what the Lord did for us?  Give us something that we cannot provide for ourselves? In being Santa, fulfilling someone’s desires, we are truly becoming a savior, in a small symbolic way to that person. 

Some people think that Santa Claus is a secular symbol of Christmas, but I disagree. I see the face and love of our Savior when I see Santa.  I see Jesus in the grantor of wishes, those that become Santa for someone else.  

Childhood doesn’t last long.  Believing in Santa doesn’t last long.  Some people think that it is wrong to teach children about an imaginary person who brings them gifts. I believe that in telling children that Santa is bringing gifts that you yourself provide, you are showing a selflessness that is beyond the understanding of those who do not share the gift of Santa with their children.  Childhood is a time for magic, and no one brings magic like Santa. When we give gifts from Santa, we are giving in secret.  Jesus asked us to give alms in secret. “But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:” Jesus said,  “Thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.” Giving gifts to children with no thought of them knowing who did the giving is a Christlike attribute. 

In this season of my life, I get to see the miracle of Santa. I wish everyone could experience it. It helps me appreciate the role that Jesus Christ has in my life. Santa is not a perfect symbol, but the symbols that I see touch my soul, and I am grateful for them.  

Changing

Every New Year's some people set goals for themselves and some people purposely ignore doing so because they say they never keep them anyway, so what is the point?  

I have been thinking lately about my life as it was in my 20s compared with life as it is in my 50s.  A lot of time has passed, but has it made a difference? I have learned SO much in the last 30 years that I can honestly say that those 30 years have been very educational for me.  I am not the person I was in my 20s.  I don't make the same kinds of decisions that I made in my 30s.  I am even better than I was in my 40s.  Think of how much I will have learned and grown by the time I am 80!  

Life is a process.  It is especially so when you work on improving yourself everyday.  I certainly am not successful in getting better everyday, but when I look at my improvement over 30 years, I'm doing pretty darn good!  

If you get discouraged and think you are not seeing progress in your life, even when you are trying to make some, realize that some progress can only be seen when looked at from a great distance - maybe it will be 30s years.  Maybe it will only be 10 years or 2 years, but the trick is to never give up trying to get better, to set goals.  

I am not saying that you should do it through New Year's resolutions, but the point is to do it.  It WILL make a difference in who you are and the choices that you make.  For me, writing down the goals helps me to keep them.  Being accountable to someone for those goals also helps me to keep them.  I am not always successful, and sometimes I mess up big time, but every day we are given the opportunity to start again and to make better choices.  I hope that you can find the courage to believe in yourself and your ability to change and become better.  

I have often heard people talk about their "favorite sins," the ones that you like, so you don't want to give them up.  Of course, I had mine.  One of them was watching "The Young and the Restless."  It isn't really a terrible thing, but it was a time waster, and to me wasting time is worse than wasting money, so it was a problem.  Besides, I have watched it for over 35 years!  How is that for a habit?  When I think of all that time lost, it kind of makes me sick. Five hours a week for 35 years?  Well, that's a lot of wasted time. This last October, I decided to stop doing something that I had been doing and start doing something I wanted to start doing.  I decided it was time to give up my show. I have done it!  I am pretty proud of myself for not watching this show for the last 8 weeks.  What an accomplishment!  

I have also seen people who don't set goals and don't try to change, and I have to say that they DO change over time too, but it isn't a good change.  You know the people, the ones that say, "This is just how I am."  Over time, their problems become worse and bigger and harder.  

The choice is yours.  You are moving and growing in your life.  You choose if the change is positive by setting goals for yourself or if it is negative, by not setting goals and going down hill instead.  I choose to aim at achieveable goals and work until I have them down and then go on to something else.  In the end, I may grow to be the kind of person that I want to be, one step at a time.  

My biggest regret

It has just been in the last couple of years that I have begun to think about how my life could have been very different if it were not for one thing.  We moved around a lot. It is really my biggest regret. I wish we would have been more stable in location.  Since we got married 35 years ago we have lived in Utah, Florida, Georgia, New Mexico, Nevada, New Mexico (another time), Nevada (another time), and Colorado. 

I didn't think it would really matter, but I have begun to realize that there are many down sides to moving around as much as we have.  There are obvious financial obligations associated with any move.  Many times that we moved, we were fortunate to have the move paid for by Rich's work, but that has not always been the case.  Moving is expensive in many respects.  Just think about all the window coverings in that list!  

We have owned six houses and only one of them was new when we purchased it, so all of them needed some work done to them.  Some of them needed major work done.  We made money on the sale of two of the times we listed our house.  The other times we either broke even or lost money.  I am not complaining.  For the most part, I have loved the homes that I have owned. There was one that I really didn't like, but the rest of them, I did like them and it was hard to leave them.  It was especially hard to leave my first one.  I loved that home in Vidalia, GA. But the worst thing is that just when I got each house the way I wanted it, we moved away and sold it. 

We have been in more church congregations than we have been in houses because we did rent several houses as well through the years.  It takes time to get to know people and to get to be known to others. I feel that I could have really made more of a difference in those congregations if I had stayed in them longer.  Our average in each is about 6 years. My favorite ward (congregation) was in New Mexico, where Rich's accident occurred, mainly because those people really rallied around us when we needed it. It was also because we were in that ward twice for 6 years each time, so we were in that ward twice as long as any of our other wards.  

My kids changed schools a lot, and that was hard on them. I wish we didn't have to do that to them.  

The good thing is that I have friends all over the country.  The bad thing is that didn't have enough time with any of them. Some times it seemed that just as we were getting to really know a family, either we would move or they would.  I believe that friends can be forever, but it hurts to leave them, even when Facebook makes it easy to keep up with people, you don't really know what is going on in the details of their lives unless you are there for the details.  That makes me sad.  Some people share a lot of Facebook, and some people don't.  Some people just share the good things, and that makes it hard to be there for your friends when they really need you. 

We have lived a long time, and we have gone through some very difficult things, and yet no one in any of those locations was with us during all those times, so they are understanding a part of our story. All of all stories make up who we are. Without understanding them, you can't understand US, and because of that, we don't feel fully accepted in the community. We have watched people here go through hard things, and everyone is supportive and loving through the things themselves, because they saw them. They didn't see our hard things, so it is like they never happened. They don't seem to want to look into what makes us the way we are, or to show any compassion for the hard things that we have experienced. It is not totally their fault. They don't know those things, so they can't see the growth of our character because of them. 

Sometimes I feel that I am on the outside looking in at the relationships that other people are able to develop because of a lifetime of friendship. I have some very close friends in Florida that I grew up with that I still feel very close to, but it is not the same as living close and sharing daily struggles. The same is true with every place that I have lived and every close friend that I have. I would just love to sit down and talk to them individually to find out the real details of their lives and share mine with them as well. That is harder over long distances and many years. I don't stop caring about someone just because I don't see them all the time.

When I look back at the choices that we made about where we lived, there are very few of them I would change given the circumstances at the time. Still, I think I could have made a bigger contribution to my community, whichever one it was, if we had spent a lifetime there.  

If I had one bit of advice for you, my readers, it is to find a place to call home and stay there. Develop bonds that will last a lifetime, and don't think that you are missing out because you have stayed in one place your entire life. There are many blessings in that.

Our first home in Vidalia, GA

Life is easier if you obey the rules

Life is easier if you obey the rules.  This is something that I said to my children more than once.  What do I mean?  Well, I will elaborate.

Rule #1 - Obey the law.  If you obey the law, you won't end up with a criminal record. Criminal records, even for minor crimes can ruin your chances at getting the job that you want.

Rule #2 - Go to school, and do well there.  This doesn't necessarily mean to graduate from college, but it definately means to graduate from high school and get some training in a career of your choice. You can learn a trade, get a degree, or even do a apprenticeship under someone that you admire, but find something that you love and do it well. This will make work enjoyable for you rather than an obligation that you have to perform. I've had both kinds of jobs as an adult, and having one you love makes life way easier than having to go to a job that you do not enjoy.

Rule #3 - Have morals and live by them. Many people say that they have morals, but they don't live by them. Write them down.  Be accountable to someone else for your values. If you don't, you won't keep them.  Make up your mind before you get in a situation what you will do when you get there.  Act it out.  Be prepared.  Someone will ask you to leave your morals behind, but if you are prepared, it will make it easier to walk away from the situation and stay away in the future. Be true to yourself.

Rule #4 - Be the kind of person you want to spend your life with.  Then when they come along, you will be ready and they will see in you the same things you see in them.

Rule #5 - Don't spend more than you earn, and don't spend all you earn. This one was one that I learned the hard way.  I felt we needed new cars, when we just needed reliable ones. If I were to do it again, I would not have car payments.  I would save and pay cash for the car I wanted, even if it was new.  The last few cars we have purchased were paid with by cash.  What a different feeling when driving out of the dealership than doing so with payments, especially a year later or five years later! I could go on and on about finances.  I think that I will have to make that a post of it's own.

Rule #6 - Children deserve to be raised by two parents unless one of them is deceased. If you can't live with the person that you are making a child with, don't make a child with them.  Period.  Sex is not a toy, it's a tool.  Don't be fooled by what the media feeds you about sex. Misusing it can bring heartache not only to you, but everyone around you. Your parents, children, siblings, and even friends may pay the price because you couldn't control yourself.

Rule #7 - Talk so that people can understand you and you don't offend someone unintentionally.  Your slang and obscene language does not belong in the public forum. If you want to be treated with respect, you have to speak to others with respect.

Rule #8 - Find ways to make the world a better place.  This is not the same for everyone.  You may make a big difference by starting a huge philanthropy, but most people won't.  You can still make a small difference for someone.  Smile at someone, take your neighbor a treat, mow someone's yard when they may need it, drive someone to an appointment when they can't drive themselves, make a meal for someone that is sick.  You get the idea.  Just find someone to serve, and do it.  If we all did one thing a day to make another person's load a little lighter, think of the difference that would make in the world, not to mention the difference it makes in the heart of the giver.

Rule #9 - Use self-control.  This kind of goes along with #3 and #6, but it deserves to be mentioned on it's own.  We live in a world that has trouble controlling themselves.  They say what they want to say and do what they want to do.  That is why we have people that go into public forums and start killing people. But that isn't where it starts.  It starts by not controlling our thoughts.  Thoughts lead to words.  Words lead to actions.  Sometimes thoughts skip the words part and go directly to actions.  Control your thoughts.

Rule #10 - Set an example.  Be the kind of person you want others in the world to be.  Fix how you need to be fixed rather than trying to fix everyone else. If your sibling or child were to become just like you, would that be something to be proud of? I don't mean perfect.  None of us are perfect, but getting better everyday, and making choices that will help you succeed. Set a good example.

Rule #11 - Tell the truth.  If you do, you will be trustworthy.  If you say you will be somewhere, be there.  If you say you will do something, do it.  If you say you believe in something, live it.  I call it integrity.  It is lacking in our society.

Rule #12 - Be self-reliant.  Don't expect others to take care of you or provide your needs.  Don't expect gofundme to do it.  Don't expect the government to do it. Don't expect your parents or your children to do it.  If you want something, it is up to you to get it. That includes food, clothing, a place to live, your education, your medical care, everything.  It is your responsibility, and no one else's.  Some people may choose to help others, but they should not feel that they need to because of your decisions or situations.  You have to plan for emergencies yourself.  You have to be responsible.  It means buying insurance of all types, saving money for times that you will need it, etc. Life doesn't always go as planned, and we need to be prepared for that.

I'd love to hear some that you think should be added to the list. I am still learning, so over time, I may add some as well.  Thanks for reading.

Enough

I am in my late 50s. I have been in my 20s and 30s working to get ahead in my career and my husband's career.  I get it, but I am not there anymore.  There comes a point in your life, better sooner than later in which having enough is enough. Since I have gone into sales rather later in my life, I realize that those in sales are more suseptible to this than others.

There is something peaceful about being satisfied with what you have.  It is something that I don't see in the community of which I have been living in the past six years.  Perhaps it is the age, perhaps it is the Las Vegas culture, perhaps it is the sales industry.  Whatever it is, it makes me sick.

Some years ago when Richard and I were in our early 40's, we contemplated Richard going back to school to get his MBA.  He already had a Bachelors degree in Electrical Engineering.  We seriously considered it, but after giving it some thought, we realized the limited number of years that we would have left with our children, and how much time he would miss with them during the time he was either in school or working or studying just didn't make it worth it.  So we made the decision that although he COULD get his MBA, we chose for him not to pursue that course.  If we were wondering where our next meal would come from, we might have chosen differently, but we have enough.  If we really wanted something, we could afford it.  We might have to sacrifice one thing for another, but we could get what we really wanted.

Our children probably would not have told you that we had 'enough' at the time, but children cannot always make those kinds of decisions with clarity.  My children had to work for some things if they were to get them.  I think that was a good thing, not a bad one.

If some people knew what we made, they might have thought that we weren't wealthy, and we weren't, but we had enough.  Some other people might have felt that we made a great deal.  It depends on your perspective for sure. Since we have lived around a variety of economic conditions through our years, it is easy for us to see what is necessary and what is not.

We made similar decisions when I decided to take a part-time teaching position rather than a full-time position for these exact reasons.  Eventually, I went full-time but I didn't make that decision based on the amount of money that would be made.  I made the decision because of the students that I knew and cared about as well as my family situation and situations at the school at which I taught.

I am not going to try to judge others and their choices in this way.  Everyone's situation is different, but you have to ask yourself, if you are at the point where getting more, buying more, in many cases just to impress someone else, it might be time to analyze your motivation. I can't tell others what to do or what to pursue in life, and I would never attempt to do so, but my advice to my own children would be to be satisfied with enough.  If you do, you will be much happier than if you are constantly reaching for something that you don't have.  You have to find a balance between being lazy and being too driven. I hope that we have found it.  I feel that we have.  It is a gift that I wish we could give to those around us, but all I can do is shake my head at the culture of materialism. It makes for very dissatified people, and they loose out on so much peace in their lives.  To me, it is very sad.

Lessons from Elizabeth Smart

Today while having a discussion with a friend about issues they are going through, the Lord reminded me of Elizabeth Smart and a conversation that she had with her mother after she returned home.  Just as a matter of review, Elizabeth was abducted from her bed when she was 14 years old, held captive by a man who raped her on a daily basis, and was recognized after 9 months of captivity and finally reunited with her family.  Her situation applied to my friend's current situation, and it may apply to yours as well.  Let me explain.
Upon returning home, Elizabeth's mother said to her something like this; "This man has taken 9 months of your life.  Don't give him another day." People do things to hurt us.  They make our lives miserable, they abuse us, they torment us, they injure us.  In spite of that, the time they have in your life is limited to the time in the future that you are willing to give them. When you think of them, hurt because of them, don't achieve all that you can because of what they have done to you, you are giving them more of yourself than they have already taken by force.  Don't do it.  Make their injuries to your life part of your past, not your future, not your present.  The most hurtful thing that can happen to them is that you achieve all that you were intented to achieve. Instead, use that experience to reach out and help others. Be understanding, help others going through similar situations, but don't continue to be their victim.
I wish I was as wise as Lois Smart.  I'm not, but when I hear advice like that, at least I realize the wisdom in it.  If you are a victim of another person to any degree, don't give them another minute.  They don't deserve it, and you deserve to live your life without the pain they caused.  Instead, find someone to help. Find someone who needs an understanding ear and a shoulder to cry on.  Find someone who is struggling in ways you struggled. Give support, give kindness, give compassion. It will lead you to a peace that cannot be found in other ways. You may even find that the suffering you endured was not as bad as what others have gone through.
Today Elizabeth Smart is an articulate speaker who empowers girls to see that they have worth, no matter what others may do to them.  She may have never done that without her experiences. You may never do what you were destined to do without your suffering either.  You can also become much, not in spite of your experience, but because of it.

Essential Oils

I had no idea that essential oils could be used in the areas in which Richard has needs. (ADHD, Autism, PTSD, TBI, Anxiety, sleep issues, etc.)  I am finding that not only are they effective, but they are also inexpensive, especially when you consider that you don't need to make and keep doctor's appointments in order to get them. I am continuing to experiment with different oils, and to learn about them, but so far we have tried lavender on Richard's big toes at night, as well as diffusing it in the air, and he has been sleeping better.  I just found this article:

http://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/essential-oils-and-brain-injuries-what-you-are-not-being-told.html?t=DM

which talks about using frankscense to help with brain injuries!  Who would have thunk it! (I couldn't resist, it is something my father would have said!) He can even put a drop on his mustache so that he can breathe it all day!  How cool is that?

I am still experimenting, but it is an avenue I hadn't tried before. If you have any suggesions of specific oils for things we could use, please share, especially if you have personal experience with them working.  I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Joy in the journey

I have spent the last several months explaining some of the things I have lived through in the last ten years.  It hasn't been easy. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I am happy and some times I am fed up with it all.  Sometimes I just want to run away and go to the beach.  I really want to run away and go be my parent's little girl again, but I probably won't get that for a very long time.  The beach will have to do for now.  I get tired of carrying a load that is too heavy for me to carry.  I get discouraged. Interestingly though, I have never thought "Why me?" and really meant it.  My friend John told me that he sees me as "pragmatic."  When something comes along, the only thing that makes sense to me is to face it and deal with it.  That is what I have tried to do with my situation.  I haven't done everything right, in fact, I've done almost everything wrong, but I've done the best I can with the cards that have been dealt to me.  I have learned from my mistakes, but I can't change them.  I don't dwell on them or wonder how life would be different if I did this thing different or that thing different. Life is what it is. What I might be able to do is pass some of the things I've learned along to someone who can use them. Then maybe there was a purpose to it beyond what it has taught me and how it has changed me.

Just like you, I live in a world that is complicated. It's not all doom and gloom, but it isn't all roses either. Some days life sucks. Somedays it like heaven on earth. Most days are in between. It's life.

In spite of all the help that I received in 2008-2010, I find myself very alone dealing with the day to day realities of my situation. I don't have family around anymore.  I get little support these days other than a listening ear every once in awhile from a friend. I am grateful for my friends.  I am grateful for my faith, which sustains me through the hardest times.  I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ understands and goes through it with me. Heaven only knows how I would have been able to endure without that in my life. My children and grandchildren bring me joy and help me to realize that when all is said and done, I have a lifetime of memories to create with them. So, my future is in them. It is making great memories with those wonderful people that are my descendants. It is showing them that although life isn't what we expected, that we can find joy in the journey.

That reminds me of a quote: "Life is just like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burts of speed.  The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."   --President Gordon B. Hinckley quoting Jenkin Lloyd Jones.

Thanks for reading.  If you have stuck with me since the initial story of the accident, I have to say, I am impressed.  I don't know that I would have the patience to read something like this from someone else.  It is long, and complicated, so thank you for listening, even if you have only read a few posts. If by chance you think that I could give advice to someone who is going through something like we have been through, direct them to me.  I would love to listen and I might even be able to help in some small way.  I'll probably write more post occasionally, but they won't be everyday anymore, and they probably won't be about the accident anymore.

Find joy in your journey.  

Getting on with Life

At some point you have to get on with your life. The question is how do you do that?  Life will never be the same again.  You know it and everyone else knows it.

The truth is, things will probably never be the way they were before the accident.  The best thing to do is admit that and accept it. Things will not be the same, but that doesn't mean that things will not be good.

For awhile I would get asked, "When can Richard go back to work?"  The short answer is "Never."  He can never do what he studied years to do.  He can never have the kind of job he used to have.  He can never make the kind of money that he used to make. Ever.

The accident happened right after Richard's 50th birthday and it has now been almost 10 years since then.  He wanted to retire somewhat early, but we surely didn't expect it to be that early!

Getting on with your life in these circumstances means that you start living your new reality.  The new reality may be that you can't do that job anymore.  You may have to find a new job.  The dynamics of your relationships will be different.  You may not be able to do things that you used to do for recreation, but there are still things you CAN  do, and you SHOULD do them. The truth is that you can't go back to life the way it used to be, but you can create a wonderful life under the present circumstances. Men often get their self-worth through their jobs. It is hard for them to lose that, especially when you had a job like Richard's job. It was unique, important, and was of benefit to our country. He was proud of his job, and he had the right to be. It is hard to have that taken away so abruptly.   But the truth is, everyone is more than what they do or where they work.

We went on a cruise with Richard in a wheelchair, and I have to tell you, the handicapped cabins on Disney's cruise ships are to die for! (See pictures!) We would have never seen that and experienced it if it were not for this situation. Richard would have never had the opportunity to be Santa if it were not for our situation. The positive things include:

• the ability to have the best parking in the place, 
• we are often seated first and in the best seats at events, 
• Richard doesn't have to deal with workplace drama anymore, 
• we get preferential seating on an airplane and get to pre-board, 
• we get to go to the head of the line in Nevada for government services like the DMV, 
• we also have a golden access card to get in free to all the National Parks and any affliated parks forever. 
• finding new passions that you didn't have time to discover before. 

There are benefits.


The hardest thing is to stop talking about it. Richard loves to talk about it, and could go on for hours, but most of us have heard it all by now.  If you want to know, ask.  If you don't want to know, tell us. It's okay if you don't want to hear about it.

Mostly laugh, love, and enjoy the times you have together, because you almost didnt' have them at all.  Do the things that you have wanted to do but have kept putting off for one reason or another. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.  What are you going to do with it?

This is our cabin.  It bascially had two rooms and a bathroom as big as one of them.  

And this is our deck - yes, the whole thing belonged to us.  It was our private deck!  

Summary of advice to young people

When we were first married, Richard was a bank teller and I was a full-time student.  I worked part-time at the purchasing department of Brigham Young University, where I attended school.  We didn't have much.  Eventually I had to quit my part-time job and student teach.  Rich's hours were cut back at his job, so he was working only part-time and trying to support us.  It was rough.  Before we were married though, he purchased a life insurance policy so during those most difficult times, we still had to pay our life insurance premiums.  They were due every six months as I recall, and for the month that they were due, we had to go without food in order to pay that life insurance premium.  I thought we were crazy for doing so, but it was the grown-up thing to do, so we did it. Fortunately for us, we had a little food storage, which sustained us.

Paying that life insurance was a huge sacrifce when we were first married.  There were not social programs like there are now, or we didn't apply for them.  In any case, we didn't receive assistance from the government. I actually talked to Richard about getting assistance for our heat bills in the winter and he said that his boss would have to fill out paperwork to verify his income, and he was not going to do that. He didn't want his boss to know how much we were struggling. So, we made it without the help.  I bring this up only for one reason.  People say they cannot afford insurance. We couldn't afford insurance, but we paid for it anyway.  It is part of being an adult.

Life went on for us and eventually Richard became an engineer and had a good job.  We purchased a significant amount of life insurance as well as accidental death and dismemberment insurance, disability insurance (short term and long term), medical insurance, vision insurance, dental insurance, etc. We also put money into investments for retirement.  If you get it when you get the job, you don't notice it gone from your paycheck.

Get an education and/or trade early in your lives so that you are able to support yourselves. Don't feel you can rely on social programs.  They come and go with political winds.  You are the one that is responsible to provide for you, no one else. My best advice is to have at least two different careers or skills that you can use to provide for you in case for some reason, one of them is not possible.  I will write a post about this at a future time.

Stay out of debt. Don't get roped into monthly payments that you cannot get out of.  You may regret it if you end up without a job.  All of those nice things to have are not worth you loosing everything.

Don't go on trips you cannot pay cash for. Don't spend future money on anything. Stay out of debt.

Buy the insurance. Buy life insurance so your family doesn't have to pay to bury you, and if you are a breadwinner, your spouse will not be destitute.  Buy health insurance so if you were to get into a tragic situation, you don't go bankrupt.  Buy income insurance.  Buy disability insurance.  Buy accidental death and dismemberment insurance.  Buy cancer insurance. Of course, auto insurance is required by law, so that is a given.  The cost of these insurances are minimal, and the benefits are enormous.  Especially life insurance.  Everyone dies.

Go to an attorney and get wills and other important legal paperwork in place.  Make sure that you are medical power of attorney for your spouse, and that they are for you.

Put part of your salary into a retirement account every paycheck.  The more you put in, the better off you will be.  If your employer matches what you put in to a certain percentage, put as much into that account as you can, the max that they will match if possible. Don't count on Social Security to support you through your retirement, because it may not be there. What then?

One insurance that we didn't have that I wish we would have is supplemental insurance, like AFLAC.  It pays you for the days in the hospital over and above any other insurance that you have.  It would have been a life saver for us.

I know that my situation is not typical, but it is reality.  We never know how life is going to turn out.  I hate insurance companies.  I hate dealing with them and arguing with them, but I would not ever like to do without them.  If you have questions about how to save money, I recommend Dave Ramsey's books.  I wish I would have found them when I was young.  We haven't done too bad, but we could have done better.  You can always do better.

Think like an adult, because you are one.

My advice to those who might be going through a similar experience

Picture by Sold in a Snap Photography - Danielle Fleming

I have experienced a lot and learned more than I have cared to through this experience.  These are not things that I wish anyone would go through, but the fact is, people are going to be going through them and oh, how I wish I could have gotten some advice from someone who had been there before me!

Here are some things I have learned:

1. One of the first things you need to do is complete "Family Medical Leave Act" paperwork from your job.  You will miss a lot of work, and this will protect your job. 
2. Don't assume that all medical professionals have your family's best interest at heart.  
3. Make sure that any medical professional that touches your family member have seen their medical records and x-rays.  Damage can be done if they have not. 
4. When things get tough, leave the hospital.  It's okay if you leave and go somewhere for awhile. (As long as you are the family member, and not the patient!)
5. Don't worry about what people think about how you are handling everything.  Instead, just do the best you can.
6. Show appreciation for those that offer you help.
7. Accept help from people for things that you are unable to do on your own.
8. Be honest with people when you explain why you are late with your payments or miss your appointments.  People are pretty compassionate when they know the reasons.  
9. Ask for help from people who say, "Let me know if you need anything."  There will be a lot of them.  They want to help, but aren't sure how.  Give them a specific way that they can help.  This is even something that one of your friends could coordinate for you.  
10. Count your blessings.  Things could always be worse.  If you don't believe it, visit the rooms of some of the other patients.  Richard was the most critical, but by looking around, I could see people who had spinal cord injuries, and he didn't have those, so I gave thanks that he didn't have any spinal cord injuries.  
11. Ask questions and take notes when you talk to the doctor.  You won't remember if you don't. (Now you can actually record the conversation on your phone.  It's not a bad idea!) 
12. The doctors may tell you that they will do some other procedure at a later time, and then they don't.  Ask why.  Show them your notes (or audio) that prove what they said.  Hold them accountable.  
13. Make sure that medical professionals are using proper sanitation procedures and if they are not, stop them and ask for them to.  You will be able to tell because in the more serious deparments of the hospital, they are more careful and as you move down in care, they become lazy.  Don't let that happen.  
14. Be prayerful about life and death decisions.  The Lord does answer prayers concerning these things.  
15. Deny consent if you feel that things are not being done correctly.  They cannot proceed without your consent.
16. If insurance companies are not responsive to your needs, call the state insurance commission.  They will straighten up real fast!  
17. Take food to your family member if the food is not edible.  
18. If an extremity is crushed in the accident, and it swells, have the doctors split the skin.  This will eliminate compartment syndrome and my save that extremity from being amputated or non-functional.  
19. Find the EMT that was a first reponder and let them know how it turned out.  They rarely get to know that information.
20. Rely on your faith, and make no excuses for doing so.  That faith will sustain you.
21. If your family member has a head injury and is unconscious, ask to receive the medication that will help them not lose their eyesight.  
22. Don't be too concerned if your loved one says strange things or experiences paranoia while on major meds.  Those things will go away once the meds are reduced.
23. Have your loved one get off of pain meds as soon as possible.
24. Review your insurance policies, even ones that you don't think will have benefits for you.  They might.  
25. Sit in on OT and PT visits.  If they need to be more aggressive, tell them so.  If they need to hold back a little, tell them that too.  
26. When you make an appointment with Social Security about disability benefits, make sure that you have all the documentation that you need with you.  You don't want to have to do that more than once!  
27. Find the best doctors and question the use of the doctors and facilities that are chosen for you.  
28. Question any facility that the insurance company chooses.  Check them out before your loved one goes there.  If you don't have time for that, it is something that a friend, family member, or co-worker can help you with.  
29. Find a trusted counselor and don't be afraid to ask for professional help to handle everything.  It is over-whelming.  
30. Make changes in your life that are best for your new circumstances.  You may need to be closer to family members or relocate due to to climate or altitude issues. Do what is best for your family with no guilt. 
31. When you can't find solutions to a medical problem, it may take years to find the answer.  Pursue every avenue and don't give up hope when you find a dead end.  
32. Try to help your family member set new goals, find new purpose in their life, and look toward the future.  It will help with depression.
33. Try and be there for major successes such as walking for the first time after the accident.  
34. Once they can, play games, read stories, do things fun together that will give you things to help bond you and give you things to talk about.  It will lift everyone's spirits.
35. Don't close the door on legal action if necessary, but don't pursue legal action when there are people who simply make mistakes, especially if those people are your friends.  
36. Don't be surprised if some medical conditions don't show up for years.  
37. Laugh at your situation.  There are some funny things about it!  
38. Embrace what you have learned through the experiences.  Those things make us more compassionate, loving, and better people.  
39. Find a way to celebrate your successes and make opportunities that may never come again.  Tomorrows are not guaranteed. 
40. Advocate for your loved one!  No one else is going to do it.  It's up to you!  
41. Tell your neighbors that you are coming home with someone who has been hospitalized for months because they need to be more considerate of normal neighborhood noises such as dogs barking at 6am.  
42. Be a source of optimism for people who are going through similar cirucumstances.  I have seens so many that have totally given up hope.  Give hope away freely.  Miracles happen everyday.  Sometimes we need to be reminded of that.  
43. Write down the events of the day at the end of each day.  You will realize how much your have accomplished, and it will be a great record for you to answer questions later about what happened when.  
44. Know that I have been there before you and I believe in your ability to triumph over this adversity in your life.  There are people who understand.  Reach out to them.  
45. Do things that bring you joy.  They may be little things, but you have to do fun things just to keep your sanity.  

PTSD

When most people think about post traumatic stress, they usually think about military veterans who have served in horrific circumstances.  I do not want to belittle their experiences in any way.  But, we must also acknowledge that many people who never served in the military still have experienced things that cause post traumatic stress.

I have mentioned before that Richard has no memory of the accident itself or anything after the accident until about two months later.  He has pieced together a "reality" that may be very far from what actually happened.  We have no way of knowing.  We do know that he has a tendency to "fill in the blanks" for himself.  I am told that people who suffered severe trauma, especially with a brain injury, often suffer from PTSD.  I am also told that there are psychotherapies and drug therapies that can help in these situations.  I have never found someone who could help us. I have honestly been to many, many doctors and specialists and no one has EVER had an answer to our issues.  I am not sure if it is because there are so many issues that it is hard to know where to start, or if there are just no options.  I doubt that there are no options, but at this point, I am frustrated with trying find help.

Richard's PTSD is mostly evident while riding in a car.  I have said before that he no longer drives, but even as a passenger,  he will over-react to things around him. He jumps if he thinks that there is a cause for concern. He will stomp on an imaginary brake pedal. He will make audible noises. It causes a great deal of anxiety for the both of us when we go places, especially places around town. It scares me because I am not expecting it.  I know that you are thinking that by this time, I should be expecting it, but I am honestly surprised every time.

I also have some anxiety caused by the accident in that I will not drive on snowy roads or during any kind of bad weather conditions.  If am going to be making a trip, especially in the winter, I will check the forcast and adjust my travel plans to make sure that I have good roads. Even when my daughter was expected to give birth, I went to stay near her for a month ahead of time just so that I would not have to travel in snow at the last minute. I have driven in snow since the accident mostly because I lived in an area that had a lot of snow, but I moved from that area purposely to avoid that type of climate.  I'm sure that if there is a treatment out there that works, I could benefits from it as well.

What I do know is that post-traumatic stress is very real and very emotionally crippling. Since Richard seems to associate car travel with his (which is pretty understandable), it makes local travel very stressful. In addition, he has anxiety attacks and sleep issues.  His anxiety is usually caused by the feeling that he can't breath.  This is not helped by the fact that he sleeps with a Bi-PAP machine with a mask that almost completely covers his face.  These are all issues that are part of our daily lives.  Getting up early for any reason is a real hardship for him. There are actually very few hours in a 24 hour period during which at least one of us is not awake. On a positive note, it does give both of us time during which we are basically "alone" in the house while the other one sleeps.  Doctors appointments are planned accordingly.  When you combine these issues and the other ones mentioned earlier, you can see what a big impact this might have on our family life. We are always looking for answers to these ongoing challenges.

Here is a link to a wikipedia article that might answer some of your questions about it:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory_and_trauma

Perspective

There is basically one thing that gave me the strength to get through the first year, and it has also helped me through the following years as well.  What is that one thing?  Perspective.  The perspective that the doctrine taught by my church provides.  The thing I have found for me is that when you look at things with an eternal perspective, the things that might seem overwhelming here, really aren't that significant eternally. I'm not saying that the accident wasn't significant, because obviously, if it weren't, I wouldn't have written so many blogposts about it.  However, the significance of it eternally is in what it has taught us, not what it has done to us. The things that have been done to us will be fixed.  They are temporary. Here are some of the doctrines that come into play as I went through this experience.

1. Families are Forever.  Richard and I were sealed as an eternal family in a Temple of the Lord.  I knew that no matter what happened to him, he would still be my husband forever.  
   
   
   
   
   
2. Resurrection.  We believe that when we are resurrected, our bodies will be perfected. Every inperfection will be gone.  All injuries will be healed.  
   
3. Doctrine & Covenants 122: 7-8 "And if thou shouldest be cast into the pit, or into the hands or murderers, and the sentence of death pass upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.  The Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Art thou greater than he?"  From this scripture, we learn that experience is part of the plan.  There will be hard times, and many others have had harder times than we have had. We believe that we grow through those experiences and become the kind of people the Lord knows we can be.  (Maybe that is one of the main reasons that I am doing this blog, to share with others the things I have learned through my experiences.) 
4. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all injustices will be made right. 
5. No matter what, my Heavenly Father will always be by my side as I go through difficult times, even when the situation that I am in is of my own making.  I am a daughter of God, and because of that, he will sustain me through all my life experiences. 
6. To understand how important it is to serve one another with no thought of reciprocation, even when you are in the midst of your own crisis.   Service & compassion are a big part of what we need to learn here. 
7. Priesthood blessings can bring miracles, especially if they are done by people who have the gift of healing.
8. Miracles also happen when we fast.  For some reason, when you are willing to show the Lord that you are serious enough to give up food and water for a period of time, he showers us with his love through miracles. I don't understand it completely, but I am grateful for it.
9. There are worse things than death.  
10. We have a prophet on the earth.  The first general conference after the accident, I went to the conference looking for encouragement. The man who had been president of the church and prophet for a long time had recently passed, and I needed to hear an encouraging message from the new prophet. This is what he told me ( and the rest of the church) during that conference:  "Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?”6We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."  I felt it was a message meant for me, and I couldn't have been more grateful.  

What has worked for me may or may not work for you. Everyone is different. Finding your own faith in challenges is one of life's many lessons. Find yours, and share what you learn.  I would love to hear what you have learned through your challenges as well.  

Be kind & a new job idea

One of my frustrations, especially at the beginning was that dealing with all the medical issues, the emotions of possibly loosing your spouse, learning things about human biology that I never thought I would be interested in, moving from my home, etc, I also had to deal with nasty people at Social Security, insurance companies, and even medical professionals that are supposed to be doing good, but clearly are not.

So I guess this blogpost is for the people that work at SS, insurance companies and medical offices.  You work with people in my situation, or a situation that is similar regularly.  Be kind. Be compassionate. These people don't need the additional stress of your nasty attitude and trying to make it difficult to get what they are legally entitled to get. They should not have to go to government agencies to get insurance companies to pay. They should not have to get friends to send letters to an insurance company to get them to cover what is medically necessary. They should not have to jump through hoops for months to receive benefits that they are obviously entitiled to get.  They should not have to report a medical facility to the state for investigation.  They should not have to watch other patients leave the facility that they are stuck in, on a stretcher, knowing they could be the next victim of medical malpractice.  I am amazed at how many times a person needs to address an issue before it is done. One phone call should take care of it, but for some reason, 20 calls later you MIGHT see a resolution. When you are dealing with hundreds of issues, this is not okay.

Why do we have to be driven to the breaking point by all of these things that are put in place to make this kind of situation easier for you?  Maybe there should be a job in which someone else is paid to handle all of these things. Right now, the only ones that would be allowed to do that would be an attorney, and attorneys are too expensive to hire them for this type of thing, at least they are for us.  Maybe there should be someone called, a "crisis assistant." If there were, it would make everything so much easier. I needed a crisis assistant, and other people need one too.

Another point, we meet people daily that are going through major things in their lives.  You probably will not know that things are happening like this in their lives.  You can't tell to look at people that they are in the middle of a tragedy or a crisis, so just treat everyone as if they are one of those people.  Think how much better the world would be if everyone did that one thing.

Possible treatments

What are the treatements that we might be able to get if we could get them covered by insurance or pay for them outright?  There are several that we know about, but there may be others that we do not yet know about. 

• The Amen clinic in California does research on brain injuries.  In fact, they work with almost everything that Richard deals with.  These include: ADHD, anxiety, Traumatic Brain Injury, Austim specturm disorders, sleep disorders, and post traumatic stress.  Here is their website:  http://www.amenclinics.com
• EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is an alternative medicine technique that is often used for veterans with PTSD.  The number of sessions that you need is minimal, so it is not an on-going treatment.  The problem is that they do not accept insurance so everything is out of pocket.  
• Stem cell treatments could help with a number of physical issues, but this area is still pretty new, so the real implications of it are not known.
• Hyperberic Oxygen therapy which promotes fighting infection as well as general healing. Here is information from Mayo Clinic about this kind of treatment: http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/hyperbaric-oxygen-therapy/basics/definition/PRC-20019167
• Bone regeneration surgery talked about in a Ted talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/molly_stevens_a_new_way_to_grow_bone/discussion?language=en#t-22516 I actually emailed the presenter and she responded, but she said that they were not quite ready for live patients.  Someday....

There is little more frustrating that knowning that you can't get the care that your loved one needs because of money.  We are fortunate to have very good insurance, but even good insurance doesn't pay for everything. If you know of treatments that might help, I would love to hear about them. Maybe they will be covered, but if not, it is at least nice to know in case they may be affordable enough to do on our own.  

Money

After a catastropic event, you will receive money, sometimes in large sums from places like insurance companies or even legal settlements. (Just to verify, we never received a legal settlement or any money from a legal source.)  It is important that you do not start to take the reciept of these types of sums of money as normal.  They will not continue, and you need to be prepared for the fact that you are going to have to live a long time on those sums of money.

They need to be invested well and made secure so that you can depend on their payments to you for the rest of your life.

It is easy to think that these types of payments will continue to come your way, but if you are like we are, the loss of income is substantially more than those sums of money represent. Be careful with them.

Pay off your mortgage.  Pay off your debts.  The smaller income that you will be living on will go a lot further if you don't have these payments to make. In our case, we have to live on 70% of Richard's income 10 years ago.  Imagine going 10 years with no raise, and living on 70% of what you made then.   What happens in 10 more years when it has been 20 years since your full income?  Of course, you will need to take into consideration your age and life expectancy, but the financial future of your family will have been drastically changed.  Be smart with that money.  It may be all you have to live on for a very, very long time.

Hard things

I can't remember how I came to have this book, it was probably given to me at the time, but during Rich's hospitalization, I read a book named, "Prayers that bring miracles" by Stephen M. Bird. If I had to guess, I would say that Teresa Russell gave it to me.  (She is a living angel, by the way!)

Here is a story from the book:

"I remember the story of a rich woman who registered in a lavish hotel.  Servants followed her, pushing her son along in a wheelchair.  Since his leg muscles were not atrophied, a guest asked what casued her son's paralysis.  She replies, "Oh, he can walk, but thank God he doesn't have to."

Has this mother built her son's confidence?  Has she expanded his initiative?  Consider the ugliness of his assenting uselessness. Consider the damage to his soul and self-esteem.  Consider how she has diminished his sense of contribution to the people around him.  Could he really feel good about himself, knowing he is doing nothing useful or helpful for anyone else?

We spoil children if we grant every selfish wish or protect them from every disappointment and challenge.  We cripple their growth if we gratify their every appetite and feed them when they are full.  It is indulgence that leads us to entertain them rather than teach them.  When we carry children who should walk, we eliminate their frustration for the moment, but we diminish their long-range possibilities.  Indulgence sacrifices character for pleasure."

This story stuck with me because I was so shocked at what this woman did. How can anyone be so selfish?  Yet, if we step in when we shouldn't, and help someone do something that they need to learn to do themselves, we are this mother.  Richard couldn't walk at the time I read this. We were told he never would. We could have taken that professional assessment and been satisfied with it.  Neither of us did.  I am grateful that Richard worked so hard and so long through so much pain so that he could walk again. I know it wasn't easy. Nothing in life worth having is ever easy. When the space race started, John Kennedy said, "We will go to the moon.. not because it is easy, but because it is hard." There is a sense of accomplishment in doing something hard that someone who takes the easy way will never know.  I swore I would never be the woman in that story.  I have done many things wrong, but I hope I have succeeded in that one goal.

In a wheelchair before learning to walk at HealthSouth

Six years later and walking like a champ.  

Bone Growth Stimulators

Richard was given two different kinds of bone growth stimulators after his surgeries at Mayo Clinic.  After the first surgery, he was given was ultrasonic (Exogen).  That one would work as long as he wanted to use it and as many times as he wanted to use it.  It required gel similar to that used in a sonogram, and they would supply that as often as needed.  This one was used by putting the device with the gel on it over the area that needed to be healed.  It would be held in that location by velcro. The little part that actually stimulates bone growth is small, and we often worried if we were placing it in the correct location. The doctor would mark the location with a permanent marker, but of course, that doesn't last long and so who knows how close it was actually put to the break.  

After the second surgery, he got a electromagnetic (CMF0L1000) bone growth stimulator.  This one could only be used for a period of 20-30 minutes every 24 hours.  If you attempted to use it before that 24 hour period was over, it would not work.  It would also stop working after the 30 minutes that it was programed to run.  He would put his arm in the device and rest it there for the prescribed time. If you stop it in the middle of the treatment, you cannot restart it for 24 hours.  The device is programmed to run as they set it, and you cannot alter it.  You can use it again for the same injury, but if you want to use it for a different injury, you have to pay for the device a second time, or the insurance will be charged for that device a second time.  It can only be used 279 days in a row.  It cannot be used by another patient. Insurance was billed $4200 for this device.  The other was similarly priced.  

I am really not too sure why they changed the type of device he got for the second surgery.  We can't really say which one was more effective because his bone never healed, but we can say that Richard preferred the first one, the ultrasonic one, because he wanted to use it more frequently than it was prescribed.  I cannot say if wanting to do this was the reason it didn't heal.  You will have to draw your own conclusions about that.  

And just as a side note, medical devices are the price they are.  They do not reduce the price for any reason.  Doctors have to take less by insurance companies, hospitals do as well, but medical supply companies do not.  Their devices never go on sale, and they cannot be returned after you are finished with them to give to another patient. They are just garbage when you are done with them.  Since Rich can't stomach throwing away $9000 worth of medical equipment, we will probably keep them both forever.  

Insurance policies and coverage

It is important that you read you insurance policies after a catastrophic event.  You may qualify for benefits, and if you don't read them, you will not know that.  If you have trouble reading documents like that, have someone else read them that could help. The only insurance company that told us about benefits that we qualified for without specifically asking for them was State Farm.  They called one day to tell me that we qualified for $10,000 just because Richard was wearing a seatbelt.  We needed to provide the police report for documentation, but that is all we had to do.

Richard's work provided information about some benefits that he would qualify for under things such as long and short term disability.  They basically filed that paperwork for us so that we wouldn't have to do it ourselves, which was very helpful. Sometimes only my signature was needed. (This is another example of why have medical power of attorney is so important.)

But there were policies that we had that if we had not read them, we wouldn't know that we qualified.  Some of these benefits amounted to very large amounts of money so please, read your policy.  Even your life insurance policy, which you would not think would be applicable in this situation, had benefits.

Don't assume that some kind of insurance will not cover you in some way.  Read them all.  Call them all and ask questions if necessary.  You don't want to not receive benefits that you are entitled to receive.

Being Santa

I don't know what I thought being Santa would be like, but it has surprised me.  I guess I thought it would be about making believe.  It isn't.

The first year that Richard was Santa, he went and did a Christmas party at a dance studio with children from toddlers to tweens.  I was a spectator during that party.  The classes came in to see Santa according to age so the little ones were there without the older ones.  I saw small children that shared intimate secrets with Santa because they knew that they could trust him.  I saw them tell Santa things that they would never tell someone else. I saw their trust, their faith. It reminded me of our faith. The faith that children have in Santa is symbolic of our faith in our Heavenly Father. It is such a beautiful symbol.  It is a symbol I never saw until I stood there that day at a dance school's party.

This last year we were having lunch at Chick-fil-A in Grand Junction, CO while visiting with our family there.  A small child from across the room called out, "There's Santa!"  Her mother was obviously embarrassed.  Every man with a while beard is not Santa, after all!  Richard waved at her and she came over to see Santa.  They visited and the mom was trying to apologize. Soon, many children came to see Santa.  Richard, who always carries copies of his business card, gave her one.  She was relieved to see that her child didn't mistake some stranger with a beard for Santa Claus. This kind of thing has happened many times over the years that he has been Santa. He loves it, and the kids love it.  For me, it is kind of like being married to a celebrity. He is only a celebrity to children, but that is better than adults, who can be crazy!

Santa with Marie Osmond - and yes!  She recognized him too!
(Our friends Ashley and Seth are in the background)