A Purpose

In 1983 I worked at a small five and ten called "Cornet".  At Christmas time, my boss said that he needed a Santa and he was willing to pay about twice what he was paying me, so I asked Richard if he would be interested.  He said yes.  He was working part-time at American Savings at the time, and we needed the extra money.  He took the Santa suit with us when we went to visit Rich's sister Pam and her family during the season.  He came to visit our nephew, Nathan when he was just about three years old.  He was so impressed that Santa came to visit him at his house.  Of course, at that time, everything about Santa was fake.  He had a fake tummy and a fake beard, but he loved it.  

At Pam & Matthew's house in 1983.

When my friend John, from high school came to in about 2013, he told me, that Richard needed a ministry.  I agreed, but didn't quite know how to help him find one.  It is not something a person can do for someone else.  Everyone needs to find theirs on their own.

Then, early in 2014, while at the dermatologist, Richard got, what my dad referred to as "ugly cream."  It basically chemically burns off pre-cancers from your face.  You apply it regularly for a period of time and various places to expose, and heal those places.  Dad called it "ugly cream" because it made you ugly with sores all over your face.  Richard's face was pretty bad, bad enough that he didn't want to shave, so he started growing a beard, figuring that after the sores had healed, he would shave.  He still had the beard during the Christmas season in 2014.  Richard went with the grandkids to see Santa at Bass Pro, which always had a wonderful real-bearded Santa.  They stood in line for 3 hours and by the time they got to Santa, Richard said he wanted a picture with him since he stood in line that long.  The Santa looked at him and asked him if he lived locally.  Richard said yes, and Santa said, "I could sure use some help here."  By this time there was about a week left before Christmas, and as he is slow to accomplish things, he never followed through with anything for that year, but the entire next year, he researched Santa.  He purchased a Santa suit, boots (I was worried about being about to find ones that would work), a hand-made leather belt, gloves, glasses, bells to give away, books to read, etc.

He started doing home visits as Santa the next year, advertising mostly through Danielle on the Metro wives facebook page and a few other places on Facebook.  He was very busy.  He did parties at churches, businesses, kid's birthdays, etc. but his favorite still is home visits.  He calls them "magical".  That started the first year because we thought we would offer short, inexpensive visits in one location, planned and scheduled ahead of time and allowed people to sign up for them.  Not very many people did, so I called and cancelled the people that scheduled.  At least, I thought I called them all.  One of them came to the office we arranged to do this in, and we were called and told that children were there waiting for Santa.  I felt sick.  Richard felt sick.  So, we promised to make it up to them.  We did a home visit later that same day for no charge.  The little girl was autistic so she had a hard time with things that weren't scheduled, which is why the mom was really worried about Santa not being there at the scheduled time. We arranged a time for Santa to come to her house later that day.  The little girl was thrilled to have Santa there!  When he gave her the bell she held it close to her chest and just closed her eyes as if it was the most precious gift she had ever received. That visit touched Richard's heart in such a way that he became Santa Claus.  He loves the kids, and the kids love him, and he seems to connect in a special way with kids with disabilities.

Last year, he decided to try a mall job.  he thought it would be those kind of magical visits all day long.  It wasn't, and children were brought in to see him sick and he became sick.  Santa can't miss a day of work because if he does, he has to find another Santa to take his place, and the expense of that falls on the Santa with the contract.  The Santa to replace you might have to be flown in from acorss the country and the plane flight, the hotel, everything, has to be paid by the Santa with the contract for the mall.  By the time Christmas Eve came, he was pretty sick, but the people who book on Christmas Eve have had reservations for a long time, and they pay a lot for those slots, so Santa has to go.  He won't be doing a Santa mall job again, but the parties and home visits will continue.  He loves it, and he really has become Santa.

He joined the Nevada chapter of the International Brotherhood of Real-bearded Santas. They meet every month all year long. He keeps his beard all year, although I would much rather have him shave, he loves being recognized by children everywhere he goes.  He doesn't wear his leg brace when he is Santa, and for the first year he didn't wear his arm brace either, but he got one that is shorter and doesn't show.  I feel much better about that.  His gloves cover his hand. Last year one of Danielle's friends had their child's picture taken with Santa, and she posted in on FB saying something about how Santa had a fake hand.  Danielle explained that it was her dad and that his hand was real, but it didn't work anymore.  Of course, the friend felt terrible, but we didn't.  It is what it is, and most children don't realize there is an issue at all.  If adults do, we are happy to share that Santa is disabled.
So, in the end, Richard really did find his calling or his ministry.  It provides a little extra money, but mostly it is fun, and I play the chauffeur and wait in the sleigh outside that looks like a blue Honda Odyssey.

Richard as Santa

Lou Ruvo Brain Center

There is a very strange building in a very metropolitan area in Las Vegas.  The building looks like it was built in the winter, but when summer came, it melted in the 110+ degree temperatures of Las Vegas.  It is the Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health and it is part of Cleveland Clinic.  It took a long time to get an appointment there, but we finally did.  I called and asked for an appointment and they asked what conditions the patient had, I started to list them, and I was told that they didn't handle any of those problems.  Interestingly, once Rich's primary care contacted them, they suddenly handled his issues.  LOL.
When we arrived for our first appointment, we walked into the lobby and there seemed to be an office off to the left so that is the direction we started in.  Someone came up to us, asked us where we needed to go.  I told them the name of the doctor that we had an appointment with.  They didn't just direct us to his area, they escorted us there.  They made sure that we were well taken care of in a way I have never seen at another medical facility. They had snacks for us, water to drink, etc. Then, after our appointment, they had a carnation for us as we left!  This place was amazing.  We really felt like they wanted us there.  It was so refreshing! The doctor put Richard and I in different rooms and came to talk to both of us individually.  He really spent the time to understand the issues that we are dealing with, and for that, I am grateful!
Rich went there for several visits, they looked at old x-rays, took new x-rays, and even provided some physical therapy, but in the end, the doctor admitted that there was really nothing that could be done.  Another dead end, but at least we checked it out, and I am always grateful for the opportunity to look.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_Ruvo_Center_for_Brain_Health

Pain

I have given birth to three children. I had two miscarriages. I think that qualifies a little bit for knowing about pain, both physical and emotional. Still, the kind of pain that Richard has endured with no pain killers or minimal pain killers is kind of beyond my level of understanding. He was awake at the scene of the accident, and was talking to EMTs. He has had almost every bone in his body broken all at the same time. More than one of them were broken through the skin and exposed to the winter air.  Interestingly, he has no memory of this time.  Perhaps that is for his protection.

 He was non-weight bearing for several months on legs that had so many breaks, I don't even know where to start counting them all.  Almost every rib was broken. I know that broken ribs are very painful, but to have them all broken, and broken to the point that they injured internal organs?  Well,  you get the picture.  On top of that, to have an infection in an ankle that they cut open and squeeze and swab! He was swollen to the point of compartment syndrome in his head and arm. He went blind from the swelling in his skull. Is your skin crawling yet?

Right after Richard left ICU, he would ask that his meds be given farther part that was prescribed.  He was actualy reprimanded by the doctor because he would wait too long to take something and then had to play catch up on the pain.  However, once in this unit, when he asked for something for pain (which was pretty rare), the nurse told him that he needed to "get used to it."  I was appalled by that.  With all of his injuries, he had orders for pain killers, and yet she was cold enough to say, "Get used to it" instead of giving him the meds that he had orders to receive.  There were also many times that he was told that he was slowing his healing because he was refusing pain meds.  There were many mixed messages.

As time went on, Richard did have prescriptions for a lot of pain medication.  Still he knew that being addicted to pain meds was a problem faced by many that had similar, and even less painful issues. Instead of choosing to continue to take them, he weaned himself off of them.

When we would go out in public, knowing that he was in pain already, I would guard his body with mine so that no one would inadvertantly hit him, causing more pain. The threat of this was worse than you might have thought, especially in crowded places.

When Richard takes pain medication now, I know that it is serious pain.  I think his pain tolerance has increased because of this situation. He doesn't take medication for constant pain.  He is always in  pain, but he would rather go without, than to be addicted.  Being addicted to pain medication is a problem in this country, but thankfully, it is a problem that we don't deal with.

We met a woman that works at a de-tox clinic and she tells terrible stories about people who became addicted when they had minor pain, and the addiction caused more problems than the original pain.  One she told us about even went to street heroin after the doctors cut her off of getting more prescription medication.

I am not about to tell someone that they are not in enough pain to have pain meds.  Pain is subjective, and you can't really tell how much pain someone else is in.  Take what you need to take, but don't take more than you need to take, and get off of it as quickly as you are able, or look for non-addictive alternatives.  It's not worth the risk.

There's lots of other things....

From the time of the accident until the present, I have dealt with things that I am not commenting on. In most circumstances, the issue involves another person and it would not be right for me to tell things that are really not mine to tell.  People could be hurt, and just won't go there.  
Whenever one goes through a crisis, there are the parts of it that the world sees, and parts of it that are deeply personal, and pretty much everything in between. We have been pretty open with a lot of things, and I don't mind doing that, especially if someone can learn something from it, but please understand that there are things that I don't feel comfortable talking about, don't feel it is appropriate to talk about, or just don't want to talk about.  I appreciate the understanding of my friends when it comes to those things. 
There are things Richard shouldn't talk about, but he still does, and for those things, I apologize.  He is not intentionally rude.  He has a combination of a lot of different medical conditions that make this an issue for him.  In reality, Richard has a heart of gold and would give anything to anyone that really needed it (and often does!) I hope that when (not if) he says something that offends you that you will give him the benefit of the doubt. It is something I have to remind myself about over and over, and I have a long way to go, but I have made progress.  Life is hard.  People are sometimes hard.  

"Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we."  Jeffrey R. Holland  

New Careers

When this situation all began, I taught school within a mile of my home.  I loved my job.  The year before the accident, I worked part-time and then the person who had the other part-time position left and I was offered the position full-time. I really wasn't sure that I wanted to go full-time.  I didn't work because we needed the income.  I worked because I had the best job in the county!  I really did love my job!  I could go on and on about why I loved my job, but I don't know how many people would really be interested. But, I loved it enough that I would have done it for free.
Richard worked at Los Alamos National Laboratory and he specialized in lightning protection among other things.  His degree is in electrical engineering.  He also did design changes to facilities at the Lab.  He had a top secret security clearance. That is about all I know about what he did there.
After the accident, I still worked full-time, and at that time we did need my income because we had a lot of additional expenses and Richard income was sporadic because we were dealing with short-term disability, long-term disability, and income insurance. In the middle of all of that, sometimes we got a lot of money at once and sometimes we went for a long time with nothing. Thank goodness I had my steady income (after he came home from the hospital.) 
Our son had one and a half more years after the accident before his high school graduation. The place we lived was about 7000 ft elevation and Richard needed oxygen 24 hours a day.  When we traveled to places that were not as high of an elevation, his oxygen levels were high enough that he didn't need to be on oxygen during the day.  It was for that reason we thought that it was best that we moved to a location that was lower in elevation.  Waiting until after our son graduated seemed like the right thing to do, but after that, we were free to go. 
Our oldest daughter, who was married, lived in Las Vegas, we decided that would be the best place.  We had three grandchildren there by then, and we wanted to be closer to them.  Still, I loved my job, and I knew I would never be able to teach again, especially in Las Vegas, because Richard would need me to take him to doctors' appointments and the bus system is severly lacking in Las Vegas, unlike Los Alamos.  In Los Alamos, the bus system would pick him up and take him to his appointments and bring him home if they were local appointments, which about half of them were.  The other half I would schedule for after work or take time off.  Sometimes our son was able to take him as well.  
After we moved, I needed to find a source of income.  Our daughter and I decided to work as a team selling real estate. The schedule was way more flexible than teaching school.  I could take Richard to his appointments, which continue to be several times a week, and still do my job.  I am not a salesperson.  I am a teacher. The job is hard for me because to be honest, it's not my chosen profession. I hate marketing.  It is WAY outside my comfort zone. I hate being worried about when the next commission check will come.  I hate seeing people as a commission check, and it is stressful to have others depend on you for their income, which is what working in a team is all about.  I have really enjoyed helping people sell their home and find one that they love. It is those moments that make the uncomfortable feelings of the job worth it.  
At first I was hoping that selling real estate would provide enough income for the medical expenses that we would like to try that are not covered by insurance, but that hasn't worked out too well for us.   Those treatments are too expensive. 
When Richard worked as an engineer and I worked as a teacher, I never thought that it would be any different. I thought he would always be an engineer, and I would always be a teacher.  It hasn't quite worked out that way for us, but I am grateful that I am still able to do something, and that I can help people when they are buying and selling a home, even if is not as busy as I would like. It certainly has opened my eyes to many things that I would have never experienced if I still taught school. I am not sure how long I will keep doing it, but for now, I am a realtor.
Richard is no longer an electrical engineer, he is Santa Claus and works 6 weeks out of the year.  (There will be another post about that.)  He still has the mind of an engineer though, and that has it's challenges because people think that he isn't smart.  Some people don't realize that he was ever an engineer, and some people think that he lost all congnition when he had a brain injury.  Let me assure you, he did not.  This is a man that could and did fix anything in our home that broke.  He could brain storm and find answers to just about any issue that came up. He has done basically every home repair and modification that can be done, and he does it to code. We have never paid to do things that we can do ourselves, and there is little that Richard hasn't been able to do himself.  He is meticulous about doing it right. Although he can't physically do the fixing anymore, but we have actually found a wonderful solution to that.  Our local missionaries are required to do so many hours of service every week.  They don't know how to do what Richard knows how to do, but they can physically do it, so Richard teaches, and they learn.  We get the things done that need to be done, and the young missionaries get some knowledge that they might not have otherwise acquired.  It works out pretty well. I am grateful for them, and hopefully they are grateful for us as well.
If I were to give advice here.  My advice would be that if you have a college degree, have a trade as well.  You never know how life will turn out, and it usually isn't what you would have predicted.  It is better to be too prepared than not prepared enough. You never know when you will have to make a career change, not because you want to but because you are forced to.
We live in a world that is becoming more and more automated.  Many people are loosing their jobs to technology.  Be prepared for your job to be eliminated.  Know how to do at least two things, more if you can.  You can never have too many skills.  Don't sit back and think that the government will take care of you if you loose your job due to technology.  Be proactive.  You won't regret it, no matter how much education you have.

Driving

When Richard came home, he assumed he would resume driving. I did not assume that. I told him that he couldn't drive. He was not very happy about that decision, but I took a lot into consideration before making that decision.  When we lived in New Mexico, we lived in a small town and there was not too much traffic. One day Richard drove to church. I was not too happy about it, but I knew that if I didn't put my foot down then, he would continue to drive.  He still tries to get me to let me him drive and I still refuse. In fact, I told him that if he drives again, he will do so as a single man.  You might find that too excessive, but would you want the liability of someone with these injuries? There is no way that he can drive without me taking legal liability for damages that he would do behind the wheel.
Once after a visit with the eye doctor, he told me that the doctor said that he could drive.  The next time I had my appointment with the doctor, I told talked to her about that.  She said legally, there was nothing stopping him from driving. I asked her if she wanted to take the liability if he did drive.  Of course, the answer was no.
That is my thinking as well. I don't want the liability. Now, ten years after the fact, it is not really the physical injuries that make me not want to take that liability, but that was not the case at first.  He had limited eyesight, limited movement, etc. Now it is more the PTSD while in the car than anything else.  He over-reacts to things that go on around him. One of our children (I won't say which one, but if you know them, it will be obvious), likes to do things just to scare the bejeebies out of him while they are driving.  They think it is funny.  Sometimes it is. 
Now we live in a big city, and there are lots of other issues as well.  I am not going to sit here and tell you that I am a perfect driver, because I know that I am not, but over-reaction to stimuli and driving do not mix.
If I was in an accident and behind the other wheel was someone like Richard, I would ask their family what the heck they were thinking letting someone like that behind the wheel of a car. For that reason, Richard doesn't drive.
My life would be WAY easier if he did drive.  Everywhere he goes, I have to take him. He has numerous doctors appointments every week.  He loves to wander Walmart.  He has meetings to attend that I do not have to attend.  Still, I would rather drive him than accept the liability for him driving.
Once in awhile, I have something scheduled when he needs to be somewhere, and then I will ask someone if they will take him to an appointment. It is yet another way that we depend on the kindness of others. He refuses to use Uber or take a cab, but that is a money issue for him.  Someday I would love to own a self-driving car so that he could take himself where we need to go. It would be nice to think that we could afford such a luxury, but in reality, we probably can't.  I guess I will always be driving him where he needs to go.  He will always over-react to what I do behind the wheel.  That is our new reality.

Giving Back

The summer that Richard was in the hospital, there was a housing shortage in Los Alamos for students that were working at the lab.  This was a pretty common issue, as housing in LA is hard to find, and expensive when you do find it.  There was a young man that expressed an interest in finding a place to live, and we were not home too much since we were in Albuquerque most of the time, so we offered for him to live at our house rent free. I met him and felt good about having him live with us.  Besides, the house we were living in in Albuquerque was offered my someone we didn't know and we had free reign of the entire house, so I certainly felt a sense of obligation to reciprocate for someone else.

After Richard came home, he volunteered at the school I taught at by working with some students that were having trouble reading.  He also helped me teach a unit on electricity.  He really loved working with the kids, and the kids loved having him there.  His expertise was priceless.  

Several times after we had moved away, we would visit UNM Trauma ICU department with cupcakes for the families that were waiting there.  Once a woman said, "How much?", and I tried to explain that I wasn't charging anything, I had been where she is, and I just wanted to make her day a little better.  She seemed a little suspicious, but she took a cupcake anyway, and I am grateful. It was not much, but something that we could do.  

One of our church leaders said:

"For many years there was a sign on the wall of a shoe repair shop I patronized. It read, “I complained because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” The most effective medicine for the sickness of self-pity is to lose ourselves in the service of others.
I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work and service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and brightness. …
There are so many who have been injured and who need a good Samaritan to bind up their wounds and help them on their way. A small kindness can bring a great blessing to someone in distress and a sweet feeling to the one who befriends him.
There are so many out there whose burdens you can lift. There are the homeless, there are the hungry, there are the destitute all around us. There are the aged who are alone in rest homes. There are handicapped children, and youth on drugs, and the sick and the homebound who cry out for a kind word. If you do not do it, who will?
The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best medicine for despair is service. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired." ---Gordon B. Hinckley

My advice is to go out and find someone that needs something, and provide that need.  It makes your day, even your outlook on life is so much more positive, because you gave, expecting nothing in return. I can't repay all the kindnesses shown to our family over these years, but I can "pay them forward" in many ways, and there is nothing more gratifying than doing so.  The unselfish service that we received for a very long period time taught me a lot about people.  It showed me the goodness of people.  While most of them didn't give money, which is is something that comes easily to some, they gave their time and efforts, and love, and that is worth much more than money could ever be.  

I also feel such a closeness with those people, that community, that surrounded us with love that it is hard to feel truly home except in that place.  I will always love the people of Los Alamos and White Rock for their unselfish service to us in ways that I never realized could make such a difference when you are in the depths of despair.  I thank them for that.  They taught me a great deal, and I am indebted to them in ways that I can never repay.  

 On the 4th of July using a day pass from HealthSouth.  A student of mine and his family painted the rock so we had to have his picture taken with it.  What a sweet gesture.  

The summer of changes

     Starting the in early spring of 2011, I got a phone call from my family in Florida telling me that my father wasn't doing well.  He had had a stroke in January and had been hospitalized since that time.  I had visited him after that, and he seemed to be progressing pretty well, but he was a cancer survivor, having had throat cancer.  He was cancer free, but the cancer caused damage to his throat.  Previously he was a sports announcer for Disney in his retirement, but he had to give that up because of the changes in his voice after the cancer treatments.  Since the stroke, he had a great deal of trouble swallowing anything and he was only able to drink liquids for awhile and then he couldn't even do that.  He was starting to see that he would never go home from the hospital, and he wanted to be taken off of his feeding tube so that he could die.
     I left home, got on a plane, and flew to Florida.  It took awhile, and he had to request that the liquids be stopped as well before he was able to leave this life.  I had one night, when I first got there to sit with him, and we talked.  He could still talk and understand at that point. I told him what a good dad he had always been to me.  I told him that I thought he was brave, and I still do.
     Wendy and James were vacationing in Florida when all of this came to a head, so they were already there.  Danielle flew in to be with us as well, and Michael wanted to, but he was in the middle of a semester at school, and I told him that he should stay there and go to classes. Dad died with all of us in the room with him.  His wife, her son, his best friend Lewis, and his wife were all there with Dad when he left this world.
     Both my daughters were pregnant at this time and they wanted me to be at the births of their children, which, of course, I wanted to be there for.
     I was finishing up teaching my last year of school so after Dad died, I went back and finished out my school year.  We loaded a moving truck in New Mexico, and with the help of our ward members and friends, we got everything packed and loaded.  Fortunately for us, we sold our house without even putting it on the market to a family in our ward. We stored all of our belongings in Danielle's dining room, and it was packed floor to ceiling with all of our things. We went to Las Vegas several times to look for a home. We lived with Danielle and her family while we were there, and we finally found one and put in an offer on it.  It was a forclosure and in pretty bad shape, so we had quite a bit of work being done on it while we traveled to Florida.  We needed to choose all the design finishes, which was really kind of fun for me. Then we drove back to Florida to sort through all of Dad's things and load a moving truck, full of his things (and my mom's) to head to our new home in Las Vegas.
     At this time, I went to Idaho for Wendy & James' graduation from BYUI and then back again for the birth of their baby girl, Zoey.  Two weeks later, Danielle gave birth to her youngest boy and I was there for that birth as well.
     Then in the late fall, we were able move into our new home in Las Vegas.  It seems that all the major changes that can happen in a person's life happened to me in one summer.
     For all the change in my life at that time, I think we did pretty well.  Except for my dad dying, they were all pretty positive changes so that helped.  I did miss teaching, and I still do, but time marches on.
     We had to find all new doctors for Richard, which took some time.  He has so many, and we can't just get any doctor now, we have to find the best ones.  I think we did okay in that department in the end, but it was a long process.
     Unpacking basically by myself was exhausting, and I swore I would never move again.  I'm just grateful for those in New Mexico that helped us pack and load, to my son-in-law who drove the truck from NM to NV, the missionaries in FL that loaded the truck, my brother who drove the truck from FL to NV, and the missionaries in LV that helped us unload, thrice. I am indebted to many.

Our house in New Mexico

Our House in Nevada

My last good picture of my dad

Mayo Clinic

In August of 2010 Rich had been experiencing increased pain in his left arm. He showed me a major bump there, which I told him should be checked out. He went to the doctor with x-rays. He is already missing 3.5 inches of ulna (the small bone) in his forearm. The larger bone has a plate in it. The plate has pulled out of the bone and is sticking up. One of the nails actually broke. The nails holding the plate into the bone were pulled out. The bone has never healed under the plate. This was (once again) caused by a medical professional during a routine exam. The orthopedic surgeon in Los Alamos suggested amputation. Richard would rather die. Honestly, that is what he said. There were so many issues even if we did find a doctor that would do the surgery, that I don't know if it is a good idea. He had a MRSA infection in his ankle, which is dormant at the moment but evidently can come back at any time when the body is open to the air. The blood flow in that arm is minimal because of the loss of muscle and bone.

View from the top of the plate that was in the bone.  The short screw on the left was broken off, and is still in the bone.  

View from the side of the plate, which shows how the plate was bent.  This occurred while on the bone, and is the reason for the screw being broken off as well.  

While discussing this at  work, my co-worker suggested that we go to Mayo Clinic.  We were going to Florida anyway in August so I called to get an appointment at the orthopedic clinic at Mayo in Jacksonville, FL  

Right before we left, we went to see an orthopedic doctor in Santa Fe that Richard had previously seen and liked. We asked him about going to Mayo. He had done his residency at Mayo and so he was very supportive of going there, and if they wanted to do surgery, he suggested that we have them do it.  He talked about a new bone hormone that induces bone fusing.  This bone hormone will help to encourage the healing of new bone that they would get from Rich’s hip to put in the arm. 

The surgeon at Mayo thought that he could fix the arm by taking out the hardware, cross-connecting the radius to the ulna, straightening out the arm, and buffing up the ends of the bones to encourage them to heal. He thought that they didn't need to use bone from Rich's hip, but he could use cadaver bone.  

Richard went back to Florida in October for the surgery.  I was working and needed to stay home.  I had a job, and to take care of Michael, so I didn't go.  My father and sister-in-law went to Jacksonville and sat with him there.  He went into surgery at 5:30 am and didn't come out until 1:15pm.  They took the two bones nearest the wrist and connected the two of them with hardware. There are 10 screws in that hardware. They did not have to use any bone fragments from his pelvis but they did use the bone hormone. His forearm is now about 1/2 an inch shorter than it was previously. The doctor did this so that the bone did not have to heal in two places, but only one. 

An amazing side note here is that Richard was contacted by a local bishop while in Jacksonville.  They found out that he was there, and made the contact.  Amazing!  

We thought that it was just a matter of healing at that point, and he went to the surgeon in Santa Fe for follow up.  We went in for about the third follow up and found out that all the healing that was previously showing up was gone. It didn't heal.  It never healed.  Richard blames that on medications that he was on, which he feels that he 

In 2013 we went back to Mayo Clinic for another try.  The skin seemed to heal really well after the surgery and I was hopeful that the bones would as well.  They never did.  His arm is still a non-union.  He wears a brace to protect it and it is cross-connected (see photo.)  

After writing this post, I talked to Richard about going to see the local doctor about doing the surgery again, this time using his own bone from his hip/pelvis. This local doctor is an expert in non-unions and this was his suggestion.  He also specializes in foot/ankle injuries, so having him to do surgery on the ankle fusion seemed logical as well.  We actually got his name from a former ward member who works in the orthopedic field here in town. I am anxious to talk to him now that things have had time to settle down and see if one or both of those surgeries could be done.  

The second time surgery was done at Mayo Clinic

After the second surgery.  We had high hopes, but  sadly, it was, (and still is) and non-union.  

Serving and Being Served

In the LDS community, it is expected that you will serve others.  I have done my share of serving in my ward, my community, and of course, my family through the years.  One thing that I have noticed through this experience is how hard some people find it to be served by others.  
Let me first explain that service involves any kind of help to another person, whether that be providing meals, cleaning someone house, being where you need to be to help someone with something they might be going through in their lives.  I was certainly a fortuante recipient of such service, especially during these couple of years in my life.  
As a society, LDS people are good at serving others.  However, they are no so good at receiving service.  I know that that might sound silly for those looking at it from the outside because people can't recieve help if there is no one to help.   

Let me go back to a conversation that I had with my father about two years into this experience.  My son, my father, and I were in the car together and I am not really sure what the topic of conversation was at the time, but my father (not LDS) said, "Michael, there is something that you need to realize. No one is ever going to do anything for you without expecting something in return."  I was stunned. I guess I was stunned because I have spent years seeing people do just that, and especially in the previous two years of my life! I have also done things, and even looked for things to do to help people with no thought or expectation of anything in return. I described my experiences to my father, and concluded that people do things for others all the time without expecting anything in return. Doing so is actually part of our religion. It comes partly from "Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these, my brethren, you have done it unto me."  (Matthew 25:40)

When I was the one that needed help, I felt no guilt for accepting what I could not do for myself. I guess I was humbled sufficiently to realize that without help, I could not carry this load, and I don't think I could have.  I depended on others sincerity when they offered to help, and graciously accepted that help.  

Since that time, I have served in positions where it was my responsibility to meet the needs of those who had them.  I have seen a lot of people refuse help.  It could be because they thought it make them look weak, or not self-sufficient. Maybe they don't want to think of themselves as "one of the least."  I don't really know what their thinking was, but I can tell you that there needs to be someone to help in order for someone else to help.  Being that someone is not anything to be ashamed of. I think it is part of the humbling process described in this scripture:

Ether 12:27

• Book of Mormon

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

 What I can tell you is this: Being the one that needs help is part of the plan.  It does not show weakness, it shows honesty and humility and the desire to be taught of the Lord. It may be hard for some to ask for help, but if they didn't, the joy of giving service to others would never be felt by people who desire to serve. There are lessons to be learned through helping someone else that cannot be learned by any other way. There are also lessons to be learned in being the one that is receiving the help. Everyone needs both of those experiences.  

Another thing I learned is that people want to help in ways that are comfortable for them.  There may be things that need to be done that no one else wants to do, but there is something that comes from giving in the way that is hard that cannot be learned by doing the thing that is comfortable.  People are VERY willing to do what is in their comfort zone, but refuse to do what needs to be done when it is outside of their comfort zone.  That is the point at which they become the widow giving their mite. 

This is not to say that doing what is in your comfort zone is not giving and serving.  It is. But when you go beyond that, and are willing to say, "I will do whatever you need me to do, even if I don't want to do it."  you are giving in a way that will change you deeply. Then you truly giving the widow's mite to the person you serve. That is a beautiful thing for both the giver and the receiver.  

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3515/3216062959_3f7045e2cf_o.jpg
Life is dirty.  Don't be afraid to help in ways that are uncomfortable. 

Legal Action

People have asked me if we sued anyone for the damage done by medical professionals (or anyone else).  The answer is no.  We never have.  I hestitate to say more than that in a public setting.  Email or PM me if you have additional questions about this issue.

Everyone has something

In writing this blog, I don't want anyone to think that I think that I am the only one that has had hard things in my life.  In fact, I know that everyone has hard things in their lives.  That is actually the reason for this blog.  It is my hope that by telling my story, someone will be helped.  Maybe someone will be in a similar situation and have similar things to deal with.  Maybe someone will go through just a part of this and find what I have to say helpful.
I also want to acknowledge the hard things that you go through.  Life is hard.  It doesn't turn out the way we thought it would, or hoped it would, or planned for it to.  It is for those reasons that maybe someone will be motivated to make some responsible decisions so that their family will be protected for future events.
Once I heard from someone, "I don't know how you do it." I told them that everyone has something, and they said to me, "I don't."  What I wanted to say was, "Watch out!  It's coming!"
Making good decisions does helps to protect us from things happening in our lives, or makes them more bearable, but things still happen that are beyond our control.
The Boy Scout Motto of "Be Prepared" certainly helps, but things still happen and you never know the day that they will happen.
When life gets hard, that's when our true character is seen.  Sometimes I've done okay, and sometimes I haven't, but I have never given up, and that is all it takes.

OT/PT

Starting in Kindred Hospital, Richard began receiving occupational therapy.  I mentioned before that in St. John's the OTs would try and talk him out of receiving therapy because it was difficult to move him to get him to the therapy room. One of the OTs actually broke his arm while doing therapy.  It is as if she didn't even look at x-rays of his arm before she started therapy.  What she did would not have hurt most people with normal bone structure.  Richard didn't have normal bone structure, and it caused an injury.  She told him at the time that she was sure that she had just broken up scar tissue, but the x-rays afterward show otherwise. She never came back to give therapy to Richard.  We've never seen her again.

While in HealthSouth, Richard was allowed to receive his first physical therapy.  It was aggressive.  He made tremendous progress there, and I couldn't believe it when he walked again.  It was really a miracle.

After he got out of the hospital, he started therapy at a hand center in Santa Fe.  They were afraid that they were going to hurt him, and didn't push him enough.  Sadly, there was a lot of movement that he lost during that time because they didn't want to work him too hard.

He also received OT and PT services in Los Alamos. Still, they were not wanting to push.

In the end, I find that OT and PT specialists are either wonderful, or they are terrible, and there really isn't too much in between.  The problem is that you can't do without them at all.

The hippocratic oath vows first to "do no harm" but that cannot be done without knowing what you are dealing with.  When serious injury has occurred, don't let anyone touch you that has not seen your x-rays!  It is dangerous.

Finding a balance between pushing you too much and not enough is an art that is learned only through experience. I find that it is something that most occupational and physical therapists struggle with, especially in cases with serious injury.

Visits

Within the first couple of days at UNM, I got a phone call from a member of the Los Alamos Police Department wanting to come and talk to Richard about the accident.  I explained that he was not conscious so he might not want to make the 100 mile trip.  He said that he would like to come anyway.  I was thinking, "Knock yourself out!" but I probably said something like, "Do what you have to do."  Of course, when he came, he came in, saw how Richard was, and turned around and left.  I expected him to come back later when Richard was awake, but he never did.

Richard's boss also asked to come to see him in the first 24-48 hours in a phone call to me.  I explained that he was not conscious, but he insisted.  He showed up, saw the situation, and left.  I never saw him again. He gave me the impression that he wanted to see for himself, because he didn't believe he was hurt that seriously. I thought it was strange.

Many people came to visit, and it was easy to tell those that really cared from those that didn't.  Sometimes when I was out of the room to get dinner, I would come back and find that someone had been there and left a gift or something for Rich.  Some people came often and stayed long.  Some people didn't come often and they didn't stay long, but I could still tell that they cared. I heard from people that I hadn't heard from in many, many years.  That was wonderful, and it was heartwarming to know that so many people did truly care.

If you were one of those people, thank you.  Thank you for showing that you cared in whatever way you did.  There are too many small, kind acts that were done for our family for me to list them all.  The truth is, there were many large acts that were also done.  I haven't forgotten them.  They still touch my heart to know that people were willing to help in whatever way they could. In that way, it was a magical time.  In most ways it was a horrific time.  It is funny how sometimes those two things go hand in hand.  One thing is for sure.  You find out who cares, and who doesn't.

Have some fun!

In the hard times, it is important to find joy and fun.  As soon as you can, get out and enjoy some things in life! You will feel better, build memories, and get a sense that life goes on.

In June, my dad came to visit.  I wanted to do something special with him for Father's Day so we on a hot air balloon ride.  It was awesome!  Dad is gone now, but it still makes my heart happy when I think of the fun we had that day.  (Richard was in St. John's at the time.)

My dad on the far left while we flew above Albuqeurque

In July, after we had  figured out how to get Richard in and out of the car, HealthSouth gave us a couple of day passes.  On the first one we went to the 4th of July celebration in our hometown.

See what a wonderful, supportive place I worked?  

The chance to talk to people was so great for Richard.  He was exhausted after the day (and so was I) but it was such a great day for us!  

On the second one, we went to the zoo. I cannot believe how exhausted we were when we came back to HealthSouth!

After Richard was released, but still in a wheelchair, and his parents were there, we decided to go to the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta.  Perhaps we bit off more than we could chew, but it is such a beautiful event!  Parking was a nightmare there!  By the time we got him dressed, fed, and out the door, all the handicapped spaces had been claimed so we had to try and push a wheelchair through the dirt and up a large hill for quite a distance before we got to Balloon Fiesta Park. It was still worth it.  It is in October.

Michael, Richard, and his mom (Charlotte) 

In 2009, just about a year after the accident, Wendy got married.  To me, her wedding was a celebration of our family.  We made it through a very difficult year.  At the end of the reception, what did we get to see?  Wendy dancing with her father.  It was a miracle.  We were so blessed!

By 2010, although Richard was still mostly in a wheelchair, we decided to do some things that we didn't know if we would ever get to do again. We went to Hawaii. All of our kids and grandkids were supposed to come with us, but Austin was in the police academy at the time so we decided to do something with them later.  Michael, James and Wendy accompanied us to Hawaii.  We had a wonderful time.

You can see the wheelchair in the background, but for some reason, I don't think you are looking at the wheelchair!  And sea level - NO OXYGEN!!!

They had handicapped wheelchairs at Hanauma Bay!

We hiked the mountain to see this view

Michael made it too!

The newlyweds

And Richard found a cool spot in the shade to do his favorite thing, read!  

Also that year, we drove to Las Vegas and I met my college roommate there.  She and I went to a Donny.com Get Together in Las Vegas. Very few things make me as happy as Donny does, and being with him for a weekend was just what I needed. I met some new friends and was just able to completely relax and enjoy something for myself. When you are a caregiver, you have to take time to do things that bring you joy.  If you don't, you will loose your sanity.  Donny hasn't had a Get-togther in a long time, but I am so grateful that he had the one in the summer of 2010. It was awesome!  (And thanks to Edie for coming with me!)

                
at the meet & greet                      At Hoover Dam           On the bus to Hoover Dam
after the concert

How can I help?

This was a violinist at Mayo clinic playing in the cafeteria area. 

When a person is in the middle of a crisis, there are many people around them that want to help.  The problem is that people generally don't know how to help.  The purpose of this post is to help you know some things that you can do to help.

Every situation will be different, but I am coming at this from my viewpoint so it is best used for people who have someone in the hospital for an extended period of time, especially if the hospital is far from home.

• Gift cards for food
• Magazines, reading materials, snacks.  Find out a favorite snack or two and provide them. 
• Running errands
• Providing rides, food, tutoring, etc. for children at home
• A room or home for them to stay in close to the hospital.  
• Having someone else there when the doctor talks to you makes a real difference as well.
• Sitting with the family while they are in the hospital or their family member is having surgery
• Watching children for family that wants to go into ICU while the children cannot.
• Do yard work, house work, etc. for a home that they may or may not be living in.
• Listen.  The family usually needs to talk. 
• Provide religious support if needed.  We got priesthood blessings and hold fasts, but each religion will have their own ways of dealing with crisis. 
• Be supportive of religious and spiritual needs.
• Send cards.
• If you have expertise in legal documents, provide advice for insurances, taxes, etc. offer it.  
• Organizing bills to provide due dates, etc. 
• Finding items and documents at home and taking them to the hospital. 
• Research medical procedures, government offices overseeing the facilities the patient is staying in, etc.
• Provide Audio books of interest for patient. 
• Financial contributions to an account set up for that purpose  (You might want to ask what the contributions will be used for before you make this decision.) 
• Provide rides for family members to the hospital for a visit while you are there for another reason.  
• CDs of harp music or other soothing music
• Contact people that the family might have appointments with to cancel them.  
• Take the caregiver to a movie or dinner to get away.  
• Email or Facebook message, just to let them know that you are thinking of them.
• Balloons
• If you play a musical instrument, come to the healthcare facility and play.  Everyone in the place loves it, especially when it is soothing music.  
• Read a book to the patient. 
• Give the patient a foot massage. (or whatever body part is not injured)   
• Go to the hospital and give the patient a haircut, especially if they have been in there a long time.  
• Write thank you notes for the family.  My sister-in-law did this, and I just provided a list of who to send a card to and why.  
• Pray.  I was surprised at the strength I felt through the prayers of others.  

One thing you can't do is represent the family when privacy laws might be in force. There are a lot of privacy laws that make this situation more difficult because it is just one more thing that the caregiver has to take care of personally, and there are already too many of those.