Life long learning

Today I had brunch with a former student.  She contacted me almost four years since I last saw her.  She was twelve then.  Now she is a young woman who is smart and beautiful.   I am grateful that she took time out of her trip to Vegas and her life to share a meal with me. She said something that touched my heart.  She said that she didn't remember too much about elementary school, but she remembered GATE. She remembered some of the units that we did there.  She remembered the chocolate unit and the electricity city unit.
One of the best parts of my job teaching gifted kids was that I got to learn something new every day.  The kids taught me something or I had to research something for a topic they chose or something every day.  I am not longer forced to do that because of my job.  Now I do it because I love doing it.  I love learning.
It doesn't matter how old you get, you have things to learn, lots of things.  I read non-fiction a lot, but sometimes I have to go back and reread a book I've read.  Sometime it takes more than one time reading something for it to sink in.  I like that kind of reading because it makes you think. Thinking is good.  It is exercise really for the mind. We can learn so much by reading nonfiction books.  I love them.  I always have.
Becoming a life long learner is something that I am pretty proud of. It takes a little effort for sure, but it is such a blessing to be able to learn things.

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.” 
― Albert Einstein

“All I have learned, I learned from books.” 
― Abraham Lincoln

“You'll never know everything about anything, especially something you love.” 
― Julia Child
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/lifelong-learning

Keep reading.  Keep learning.

Marriage is more than love

I can’t speak for other people and their marriages, I can only speak for my own.  When I married, I married because I was in love, crazy in love.  I thought that if I did the right things in life, life would be easier.  I tried to follow the rules as I saw them and was taught them about life.  That meant being married before you had sex, getting an education so that I could have more control over my life, and having children inside a marriage.  

I have now been married for 32 years.  I am not ‘crazy in love’ anymore.  My husband is disabled, has Post Traumatic Stress, a traumatic brain injury, two many physical injuries to mention, and embarrasses me beyond description in public.  It would have been very easy for me to walk away.  In many ways it would be much easier to leave than to stay.  Let me tell you why I don’t.  

Our marriage is bigger than my husband and I.  I made a commitment when I got married that I would stick with it.  I would not walk away.  I meant it.  We have three children.  They are grown people.  Two of them are married and have families of their own.  In spite of that, they need married parents.  They need to see that people don’t walk away from a marriage because it is hard.  My grandchildren need to see that you don’t end a marriage or a family because someone is sick or injured.  My family supports each other.  We help each other through hard times.  That is what our family does.  Some families do that, some don’t, but we do.  We are a support system for each other through difficult times in life.  That doesn’t stop because someone does something stupid or embarrassing, especially when that is beyond their control.

Society as a whole is better when people have support systems to help them.  That is best accomplished in a family.  It is not the only support system that we have, but it is the most important.  When others don’t understand, the family does.  

I have taught children for many years.  When I have a student who lives with both of their own parents, they are immensely better behaved, smarter, more emotionally stable than a student who lives in a different “family” situation.  I have had a first grade student that was sexually active.  I have to assume that there was sexual abuse in the home.  I have had students who lived in a one room home in which mom brought home different men night after night. They were subjected to watching the sex life of their mother time after time.  I have had students who dried marijuana leaves in their oven.  I have had students that didn’t have a lunch to eat and who’s parents refused to fill out the paperwork for free or reduced lunch.  When you have students that live in situations like this, you know that they will not be focused on academics like those from a family with their own mom and dad.  

Marriage has been beneficial to our family because it kept us together when it would have been easy otherwise to walk away.  It has provided an example to our children and grandchildren.  It has provided a support system for my husband through a very difficult situation, that doesn’t seem like it will improve.  I don’t want you to think that I don’t love my husband, because I do, but sometimes I don’t like him.  If he didn’t have me to take care of him, he couldn’t dress himself, couldn’t cook for himself, couldn’t drive himself to the massive amount of doctor’s appointments that he has to go to.  He can’t cut his own meat, and wouldn’t be walking if he didn’t have the support that my children and I have provided for him.  I have the support of my children, who love both of us in spite of the fact that sometimes we are not lovable.  I have someone to tell my feelings to who will not judge my husband harshly because of the things he puts me through.  

Marriage is NOT all about two people loving each other. It is not all about being "happy."  If that were the case, my marriage would have ended before this. That implies that when the “love” is waning, you are justified in ending it.  Marriage is about two people that are committed to each other.  It is a safe environment to create and raise children to become their best possible selves.  It is a support system to help us through difficult times in our lives, and we all have them.  It is a safe place to fulfill sexual desires without hurting anyone or spreading disease, even if children are not the result of that union.  It is a place where people young and old learn to serve one another.  It is best for society as a whole to have loving and supportive families who will stand beside each other no matter what.  What I see as the alternative is that the government wants to become that support system, and that scares me.  

My heart breaks for those who do not have such a blessing in their lives.    I don’t always like my husband.  He is difficult to work with, but leaving him to fend for himself is beyond my capability as a human being.  He needs me, and I said that I would be there for him.  That is what I intent to do.  We are a family.  I'm sure there are times when he doesn't like me either. That's even okay with me. 

For me, I gave up my career, my home, my community support because what my husband needed was more important than what I needed at that particular time.  Sometimes in our marriage, he has been the strong one and I have not.  That is not the case anymore, but I know that when I need to hear the truth, he is the one that will be honest enough with me to tell me.  I have the honor of being able to serve someone who would gladly serve me if the roles were reversed.  

People talk about “love” being the reason for a marriage.  I can’t speak for their marriage, only my own.  What we have is way bigger than romantic love.  It is way bigger than sex.  It is way bigger than financial security.  It is family. It is EVERYTHING. 

To my young friends

I am surrounded by people 20-30 years younger than I am.  I know what they think.  They think they are prettier, smarter, and more savvy than their 'old' friend, me.  This is my message to them.

Think about the things you have learned since you were 18 years old. Think of the experiences you have had, the lessons you have learned, the things you have felt.  Then mulitply that x 3.  That is me. I may not be as pretty or in shape, although I certainly was when I was your age. I may not spend my time and money like you spend yours. Here's something to think about - I don't spend my time and money the way you do because I have been where you are, learned from that experience, and moved on to make better decisions.  I wouldn't trade what I know for where you are for anything. I have read a lot, not fiction, but non-fiction.  I have lived a lot.  I have expereienced a lot.  It is because I am experienced that I can make wiser choices than you can.  It has nothing to do with being smarter.  It has to do with having more experience.

You haven't raised teenagers to adulthood and then seen them apologize for their teenage years.  Many of you haven't lived in a place where you trusted your neighbors and even strangers on the street. You may not have driven down the street and had someone wave at you just to be nice, not because they know you. You may not have had to relocate your family several times and deal with the emotions of children learning to fit into a new environment. You may not have had to teach your children to drive or save their lives by turning the steering wheel just in the nick of time rather than being run over by a semi truck. You may not have looked outside at 3 am to realize that your teenager has left your house to go meet someone in the middle of the night. You may not have wished your kids were still 3 years old so the mistakes they could make would be easily fixable.  You may not have had to deal with injustices to yourselves and your children over and over again. You may not have watched your children make terrible mistakes after they have been taught better, and yet there is nothing you can do as you watch it. I know what works and what doesn't work when raising children, caring for loved one, and just navigating life.

Life is hard.  The longer you live, the more you learn. Please don't dismiss what I know.  One thing I have learned is that the smarter you are, the more you want to learn from the mistakes of others rather than making your own. Talk to people older and more experienced than you are. Don't dismiss what they know and have learned through hard life lessons. Don't just look at the exterior and think they must be loosers to look like that.  If you are lucky, you will look like that someday too.  Learn from them. You will be better of because of it.

Service

There are many different ways to give.  You can give money to the homeless person on the street corner, or you can give your time to help a youth with a project.  I don't give money to homeless people very often, but that doesn't mean I don't give. In fact, I try to give a lot of service to others.  I usually don't talk about that service, because unless there is a reason for telling you about it, doing so would only seek to to make myself look good, and that is NOT the reason we serve.

I think about the people that I have served, bringing in meals, taking people places, helping people with projects, cleaning houses, the list goes on. Those people will probably not remember me, and that's okay, but I will remember them. I will remember the good feeling that I got when I helped them.  Sometimes it is not even something that I made that I gave them.

My husband spent a very long time at trauma ICU at UNM Hospital. I don't live in the area anymore, but when I went back, I wanted to do something for those people sitting in trauma ICU with a family member in serious condition. I was staying in a hotel so I couldn't make something in my own kitchen for them.  I instead went to Sam's club and bought a box of 24 cupcakes and took it up to UNM Hospital.  When I started giving out the cupcakes, people were unsure of me.  They were looking for my motive.  Some people wanted to know how much I wanted for the cupcakes. I explained that my husband spent a long time up there, and I just wanted to do something nice for them.  They seemed surprised.  I guess I might have been surprised too. It's the small things that we do in life that are the best.

My husband was Santa this year.  He got to go to the local children's hospital and visit the kids in the most sick part of the hospital.  It was a way that he could give back a little. Honestly, I think that expereience changed his year.

One of my friends took a day off of work to come and sit with us at the hospital.  Kids were not allowed back in the rooms, and my daughter had her son, who was just learning to walk with her there. My friend sat with the baby while we went back to the room. It was such a kind gesture, and so needed at the time.

I cannot tell of all the times I have served or all times I have been served, even by people who did not know me, but I can tell you that if you are not doing something for someone else with no thought of payment or getting something in return, you have not truly lived.  It is the best thing that you can do.  Look for opportunities, and get out there and do something.  It changes you.