I can’t speak for other people and their marriages, I can only speak for my own. When I married, I married because I was in love, crazy in love. I thought that if I did the right things in life, life would be easier. I tried to follow the rules as I saw them and was taught them about life. That meant being married before you had sex, getting an education so that I could have more control over my life, and having children inside a marriage.
I have now been married for 32 years. I am not ‘crazy in love’ anymore. My husband is disabled, has Post Traumatic Stress, a traumatic brain injury, two many physical injuries to mention, and embarrasses me beyond description in public. It would have been very easy for me to walk away. In many ways it would be much easier to leave than to stay. Let me tell you why I don’t.
Our marriage is bigger than my husband and I. I made a commitment when I got married that I would stick with it. I would not walk away. I meant it. We have three children. They are grown people. Two of them are married and have families of their own. In spite of that, they need married parents. They need to see that people don’t walk away from a marriage because it is hard. My grandchildren need to see that you don’t end a marriage or a family because someone is sick or injured. My family supports each other. We help each other through hard times. That is what our family does. Some families do that, some don’t, but we do. We are a support system for each other through difficult times in life. That doesn’t stop because someone does something stupid or embarrassing, especially when that is beyond their control.
Society as a whole is better when people have support systems to help them. That is best accomplished in a family. It is not the only support system that we have, but it is the most important. When others don’t understand, the family does.
I have taught children for many years. When I have a student who lives with both of their own parents, they are immensely better behaved, smarter, more emotionally stable than a student who lives in a different “family” situation. I have had a first grade student that was sexually active. I have to assume that there was sexual abuse in the home. I have had students who lived in a one room home in which mom brought home different men night after night. They were subjected to watching the sex life of their mother time after time. I have had students who dried marijuana leaves in their oven. I have had students that didn’t have a lunch to eat and who’s parents refused to fill out the paperwork for free or reduced lunch. When you have students that live in situations like this, you know that they will not be focused on academics like those from a family with their own mom and dad.
Marriage has been beneficial to our family because it kept us together when it would have been easy otherwise to walk away. It has provided an example to our children and grandchildren. It has provided a support system for my husband through a very difficult situation, that doesn’t seem like it will improve. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love my husband, because I do, but sometimes I don’t like him. If he didn’t have me to take care of him, he couldn’t dress himself, couldn’t cook for himself, couldn’t drive himself to the massive amount of doctor’s appointments that he has to go to. He can’t cut his own meat, and wouldn’t be walking if he didn’t have the support that my children and I have provided for him. I have the support of my children, who love both of us in spite of the fact that sometimes we are not lovable. I have someone to tell my feelings to who will not judge my husband harshly because of the things he puts me through.
Marriage is NOT all about two people loving each other. It is not all about being "happy." If that were the case, my marriage would have ended before this. That implies that when the “love” is waning, you are justified in ending it. Marriage is about two people that are committed to each other. It is a safe environment to create and raise children to become their best possible selves. It is a support system to help us through difficult times in our lives, and we all have them. It is a safe place to fulfill sexual desires without hurting anyone or spreading disease, even if children are not the result of that union. It is a place where people young and old learn to serve one another. It is best for society as a whole to have loving and supportive families who will stand beside each other no matter what. What I see as the alternative is that the government wants to become that support system, and that scares me.
My heart breaks for those who do not have such a blessing in their lives. I don’t always like my husband. He is difficult to work with, but leaving him to fend for himself is beyond my capability as a human being. He needs me, and I said that I would be there for him. That is what I intent to do. We are a family. I'm sure there are times when he doesn't like me either. That's even okay with me.
For me, I gave up my career, my home, my community support because what my husband needed was more important than what I needed at that particular time. Sometimes in our marriage, he has been the strong one and I have not. That is not the case anymore, but I know that when I need to hear the truth, he is the one that will be honest enough with me to tell me. I have the honor of being able to serve someone who would gladly serve me if the roles were reversed.
People talk about “love” being the reason for a marriage. I can’t speak for their marriage, only my own. What we have is way bigger than romantic love. It is way bigger than sex. It is way bigger than financial security. It is family. It is EVERYTHING.
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