My biggest regret

It has just been in the last couple of years that I have begun to think about how my life could have been very different if it were not for one thing.  We moved around a lot. It is really my biggest regret. I wish we would have been more stable in location.  Since we got married 35 years ago we have lived in Utah, Florida, Georgia, New Mexico, Nevada, New Mexico (another time), Nevada (another time), and Colorado. 

I didn't think it would really matter, but I have begun to realize that there are many down sides to moving around as much as we have.  There are obvious financial obligations associated with any move.  Many times that we moved, we were fortunate to have the move paid for by Rich's work, but that has not always been the case.  Moving is expensive in many respects.  Just think about all the window coverings in that list!  

We have owned six houses and only one of them was new when we purchased it, so all of them needed some work done to them.  Some of them needed major work done.  We made money on the sale of two of the times we listed our house.  The other times we either broke even or lost money.  I am not complaining.  For the most part, I have loved the homes that I have owned. There was one that I really didn't like, but the rest of them, I did like them and it was hard to leave them.  It was especially hard to leave my first one.  I loved that home in Vidalia, GA. But the worst thing is that just when I got each house the way I wanted it, we moved away and sold it. 

We have been in more church congregations than we have been in houses because we did rent several houses as well through the years.  It takes time to get to know people and to get to be known to others. I feel that I could have really made more of a difference in those congregations if I had stayed in them longer.  Our average in each is about 6 years. My favorite ward (congregation) was in New Mexico, where Rich's accident occurred, mainly because those people really rallied around us when we needed it. It was also because we were in that ward twice for 6 years each time, so we were in that ward twice as long as any of our other wards.  

My kids changed schools a lot, and that was hard on them. I wish we didn't have to do that to them.  

The good thing is that I have friends all over the country.  The bad thing is that didn't have enough time with any of them. Some times it seemed that just as we were getting to really know a family, either we would move or they would.  I believe that friends can be forever, but it hurts to leave them, even when Facebook makes it easy to keep up with people, you don't really know what is going on in the details of their lives unless you are there for the details.  That makes me sad.  Some people share a lot of Facebook, and some people don't.  Some people just share the good things, and that makes it hard to be there for your friends when they really need you. 

We have lived a long time, and we have gone through some very difficult things, and yet no one in any of those locations was with us during all those times, so they are understanding a part of our story. All of all stories make up who we are. Without understanding them, you can't understand US, and because of that, we don't feel fully accepted in the community. We have watched people here go through hard things, and everyone is supportive and loving through the things themselves, because they saw them. They didn't see our hard things, so it is like they never happened. They don't seem to want to look into what makes us the way we are, or to show any compassion for the hard things that we have experienced. It is not totally their fault. They don't know those things, so they can't see the growth of our character because of them. 

Sometimes I feel that I am on the outside looking in at the relationships that other people are able to develop because of a lifetime of friendship. I have some very close friends in Florida that I grew up with that I still feel very close to, but it is not the same as living close and sharing daily struggles. The same is true with every place that I have lived and every close friend that I have. I would just love to sit down and talk to them individually to find out the real details of their lives and share mine with them as well. That is harder over long distances and many years. I don't stop caring about someone just because I don't see them all the time.

When I look back at the choices that we made about where we lived, there are very few of them I would change given the circumstances at the time. Still, I think I could have made a bigger contribution to my community, whichever one it was, if we had spent a lifetime there.  

If I had one bit of advice for you, my readers, it is to find a place to call home and stay there. Develop bonds that will last a lifetime, and don't think that you are missing out because you have stayed in one place your entire life. There are many blessings in that.

Our first home in Vidalia, GA

Life is easier if you obey the rules

Life is easier if you obey the rules.  This is something that I said to my children more than once.  What do I mean?  Well, I will elaborate.

Rule #1 - Obey the law.  If you obey the law, you won't end up with a criminal record. Criminal records, even for minor crimes can ruin your chances at getting the job that you want.

Rule #2 - Go to school, and do well there.  This doesn't necessarily mean to graduate from college, but it definately means to graduate from high school and get some training in a career of your choice. You can learn a trade, get a degree, or even do a apprenticeship under someone that you admire, but find something that you love and do it well. This will make work enjoyable for you rather than an obligation that you have to perform. I've had both kinds of jobs as an adult, and having one you love makes life way easier than having to go to a job that you do not enjoy.

Rule #3 - Have morals and live by them. Many people say that they have morals, but they don't live by them. Write them down.  Be accountable to someone else for your values. If you don't, you won't keep them.  Make up your mind before you get in a situation what you will do when you get there.  Act it out.  Be prepared.  Someone will ask you to leave your morals behind, but if you are prepared, it will make it easier to walk away from the situation and stay away in the future. Be true to yourself.

Rule #4 - Be the kind of person you want to spend your life with.  Then when they come along, you will be ready and they will see in you the same things you see in them.

Rule #5 - Don't spend more than you earn, and don't spend all you earn. This one was one that I learned the hard way.  I felt we needed new cars, when we just needed reliable ones. If I were to do it again, I would not have car payments.  I would save and pay cash for the car I wanted, even if it was new.  The last few cars we have purchased were paid with by cash.  What a different feeling when driving out of the dealership than doing so with payments, especially a year later or five years later! I could go on and on about finances.  I think that I will have to make that a post of it's own.

Rule #6 - Children deserve to be raised by two parents unless one of them is deceased. If you can't live with the person that you are making a child with, don't make a child with them.  Period.  Sex is not a toy, it's a tool.  Don't be fooled by what the media feeds you about sex. Misusing it can bring heartache not only to you, but everyone around you. Your parents, children, siblings, and even friends may pay the price because you couldn't control yourself.

Rule #7 - Talk so that people can understand you and you don't offend someone unintentionally.  Your slang and obscene language does not belong in the public forum. If you want to be treated with respect, you have to speak to others with respect.

Rule #8 - Find ways to make the world a better place.  This is not the same for everyone.  You may make a big difference by starting a huge philanthropy, but most people won't.  You can still make a small difference for someone.  Smile at someone, take your neighbor a treat, mow someone's yard when they may need it, drive someone to an appointment when they can't drive themselves, make a meal for someone that is sick.  You get the idea.  Just find someone to serve, and do it.  If we all did one thing a day to make another person's load a little lighter, think of the difference that would make in the world, not to mention the difference it makes in the heart of the giver.

Rule #9 - Use self-control.  This kind of goes along with #3 and #6, but it deserves to be mentioned on it's own.  We live in a world that has trouble controlling themselves.  They say what they want to say and do what they want to do.  That is why we have people that go into public forums and start killing people. But that isn't where it starts.  It starts by not controlling our thoughts.  Thoughts lead to words.  Words lead to actions.  Sometimes thoughts skip the words part and go directly to actions.  Control your thoughts.

Rule #10 - Set an example.  Be the kind of person you want others in the world to be.  Fix how you need to be fixed rather than trying to fix everyone else. If your sibling or child were to become just like you, would that be something to be proud of? I don't mean perfect.  None of us are perfect, but getting better everyday, and making choices that will help you succeed. Set a good example.

Rule #11 - Tell the truth.  If you do, you will be trustworthy.  If you say you will be somewhere, be there.  If you say you will do something, do it.  If you say you believe in something, live it.  I call it integrity.  It is lacking in our society.

Rule #12 - Be self-reliant.  Don't expect others to take care of you or provide your needs.  Don't expect gofundme to do it.  Don't expect the government to do it. Don't expect your parents or your children to do it.  If you want something, it is up to you to get it. That includes food, clothing, a place to live, your education, your medical care, everything.  It is your responsibility, and no one else's.  Some people may choose to help others, but they should not feel that they need to because of your decisions or situations.  You have to plan for emergencies yourself.  You have to be responsible.  It means buying insurance of all types, saving money for times that you will need it, etc. Life doesn't always go as planned, and we need to be prepared for that.

I'd love to hear some that you think should be added to the list. I am still learning, so over time, I may add some as well.  Thanks for reading.

Enough

I am in my late 50s. I have been in my 20s and 30s working to get ahead in my career and my husband's career.  I get it, but I am not there anymore.  There comes a point in your life, better sooner than later in which having enough is enough. Since I have gone into sales rather later in my life, I realize that those in sales are more suseptible to this than others.

There is something peaceful about being satisfied with what you have.  It is something that I don't see in the community of which I have been living in the past six years.  Perhaps it is the age, perhaps it is the Las Vegas culture, perhaps it is the sales industry.  Whatever it is, it makes me sick.

Some years ago when Richard and I were in our early 40's, we contemplated Richard going back to school to get his MBA.  He already had a Bachelors degree in Electrical Engineering.  We seriously considered it, but after giving it some thought, we realized the limited number of years that we would have left with our children, and how much time he would miss with them during the time he was either in school or working or studying just didn't make it worth it.  So we made the decision that although he COULD get his MBA, we chose for him not to pursue that course.  If we were wondering where our next meal would come from, we might have chosen differently, but we have enough.  If we really wanted something, we could afford it.  We might have to sacrifice one thing for another, but we could get what we really wanted.

Our children probably would not have told you that we had 'enough' at the time, but children cannot always make those kinds of decisions with clarity.  My children had to work for some things if they were to get them.  I think that was a good thing, not a bad one.

If some people knew what we made, they might have thought that we weren't wealthy, and we weren't, but we had enough.  Some other people might have felt that we made a great deal.  It depends on your perspective for sure. Since we have lived around a variety of economic conditions through our years, it is easy for us to see what is necessary and what is not.

We made similar decisions when I decided to take a part-time teaching position rather than a full-time position for these exact reasons.  Eventually, I went full-time but I didn't make that decision based on the amount of money that would be made.  I made the decision because of the students that I knew and cared about as well as my family situation and situations at the school at which I taught.

I am not going to try to judge others and their choices in this way.  Everyone's situation is different, but you have to ask yourself, if you are at the point where getting more, buying more, in many cases just to impress someone else, it might be time to analyze your motivation. I can't tell others what to do or what to pursue in life, and I would never attempt to do so, but my advice to my own children would be to be satisfied with enough.  If you do, you will be much happier than if you are constantly reaching for something that you don't have.  You have to find a balance between being lazy and being too driven. I hope that we have found it.  I feel that we have.  It is a gift that I wish we could give to those around us, but all I can do is shake my head at the culture of materialism. It makes for very dissatified people, and they loose out on so much peace in their lives.  To me, it is very sad.

Lessons from Elizabeth Smart

Today while having a discussion with a friend about issues they are going through, the Lord reminded me of Elizabeth Smart and a conversation that she had with her mother after she returned home.  Just as a matter of review, Elizabeth was abducted from her bed when she was 14 years old, held captive by a man who raped her on a daily basis, and was recognized after 9 months of captivity and finally reunited with her family.  Her situation applied to my friend's current situation, and it may apply to yours as well.  Let me explain.
Upon returning home, Elizabeth's mother said to her something like this; "This man has taken 9 months of your life.  Don't give him another day." People do things to hurt us.  They make our lives miserable, they abuse us, they torment us, they injure us.  In spite of that, the time they have in your life is limited to the time in the future that you are willing to give them. When you think of them, hurt because of them, don't achieve all that you can because of what they have done to you, you are giving them more of yourself than they have already taken by force.  Don't do it.  Make their injuries to your life part of your past, not your future, not your present.  The most hurtful thing that can happen to them is that you achieve all that you were intented to achieve. Instead, use that experience to reach out and help others. Be understanding, help others going through similar situations, but don't continue to be their victim.
I wish I was as wise as Lois Smart.  I'm not, but when I hear advice like that, at least I realize the wisdom in it.  If you are a victim of another person to any degree, don't give them another minute.  They don't deserve it, and you deserve to live your life without the pain they caused.  Instead, find someone to help. Find someone who needs an understanding ear and a shoulder to cry on.  Find someone who is struggling in ways you struggled. Give support, give kindness, give compassion. It will lead you to a peace that cannot be found in other ways. You may even find that the suffering you endured was not as bad as what others have gone through.
Today Elizabeth Smart is an articulate speaker who empowers girls to see that they have worth, no matter what others may do to them.  She may have never done that without her experiences. You may never do what you were destined to do without your suffering either.  You can also become much, not in spite of your experience, but because of it.